Faces that make relatives not want to talk to you

Having to tolerate family on Christmas time is easy to get around. All you have to do is practice. When you make eye contact with one of your extended family, briefly motion them to fuck off. If the look is subtle enough, they won't know what's going on and turn away.

Your disinterest will register in their brain subconsciously. This'll make them feel like it's their fault. That way they keep sending you checks every season.

	Bad. Too tired. Old people love asking young people "What's wrong?"
	Bad. Too angry. They'll think you're joking.
	Bad. Too dumb. Everyone will wanna talk to you because you look like the kind of guy who will laugh really loud at every pathetic joke they'll say.
	Bad. Having a triangular face is bad news. Instead of giving you money for Christmas, your grandpa will buy you a razor protractor.
	Bad. Too thoughtful. Gazing blankly attracts all the blowhard old people who ask what you're thinking just so they can respond at you with their dumb elder opinion.
	Bad. This is a very inviting facial expression. It won't repel anybody. You have no idea what you're doing. Learn how to act, Anus-ton.
	Good. The whole "Is that my niece or my nephew?" thing will drive them away.
	Bad. You suck at this and life.
	Good. Nobody has the nerve to confront a kid with the look of "I'm playing XBox with the rumble pack on my balls."
	Good. This one is okay. The main problem here is that you're a fuckhead dicksnout. Please stop doing whatever you're doing that enables you to be alive.
	You aren't real. Gtfo.
	Bad. Too nerdy. Looking pathetic will repel girls, not relatives. It will not repelatives. Everyone knows they take pleasure in pretending to be interested in your faggoty gadgets.
	Good. This is how it's done. A+ mode for this guy. Give him an internet applause by tapping your fingers lightly on the keyboard.

Christmas is all about giving and taking. I give my extended family a hard time and I take their money. I don't give presents on Christmas. Period. My logic is this - If someone truly deserves a present from me, then why aren't they getting one?

I do plan on giving one gift this year. My friend has a huge paper due for finals. I snuck into her house, printed off the essay, and deleted the file. She'll be pissed that she lost it, but then I'm going to come in like a hero with her essay and she'll be so happy that she'll shit out her knees. So I can't wait until January after the semester's over when I give it to her. I'm going to use the essay pages as wrapping paper for her present - toilet paper to wipe the shit off her knees. I don't know what the point of all this is. Something must be wrong with you.

Last updated December 22nd, 2007