Things I hate about Christmas.
Christmas Caroling
I was at my parents and these carolers came to my house singing. My family was all hyped up and excited because they're boring people. After the group sang a song, they asked us, "Do you want to come singing?" And my parents asked me, "Don't you want to come?" I replied, "Uhh, I don't really carol." Get it? I don't really CARE-ol. They didn't get it. Fucking assholes. Nobody laughed so I waited until they left and I harpooned them with sharpened eggs.
They actually had the nerve to sing Silent Night. That's the worst caroling song ever. No, assholes, the night is not silent. Maybe if all you obese failed rockstars would get off my porch and stop polluting the air with rhyming Christian propaganda, then the night might be silent. All is not calm, all is not bright. If you were bright at all, you'd know to skip this house and I'd be calm. But no, and now I'm flailing eggs at you. Sleep in heavenly peace the fuck out.
Jesus
Jesus died for my sins. Now he's recalling the favor thousands of years later and asking me to do random chores for him like decorate trees and bead popcorn. I never asked Jesus to die for my sins. My sins are pretty cool, but they aren't to die for. I appreciate the generosity, Jesus, but seriously, quit with the Indian giving. No wonder the Indians are so reluctant to worship you.
A favor is a favor, not to be used as leverage later. That's like buying your friend dinner, and then a year later going to a liquor store and being like, "Dude, you pay for the vodka, I bought you that burrito that one time. Remember?" I hate that. All my asshole friends do it already, I dont need my deities trying to jive the same swindle on me.
Christmas Shopping
I hate Christmas shopping. I always get piss on my face. I don't know what it is, something about buying people gifts this time of year, I go into public restrooms and strange men piss on my face. Stop pissing on my face for god's sake. God damn I hate piss all around my face.
Christmas List
When I was little, making my christmas list was easy. I knew exactly what I wanted.
Santa never got it for me though. Then I found out that my dad is Santa. So I went into my dad's room while he was at work and notched my Christmas list on the inside of his reading glasses.
He finally started to listen. That year I woke up to three naked strippers under the tree with thongs made of ribbon and bows over their nipples. That was a good Christmas.
Nowadays it's much worse. Ever since my father got corrective laser surgery, it's been much more difficult conveying my wishlist to him. I figured it out though. I go to the grocery and slip my Christmas list into all the dirtiest, most disgusting porno mags I can find. Odds are that my dad will run across the list, probably within the hour.
Christmas Music
Naw, I actually like Christmas music, to be honest. It's really not that bad. My favorite Christmas song is Tool - Eulogy. I like the part where he sings, "Come down, get off your fucking cross, we need the fucking space to nail the next fool martyr." Yeah, that's pretty sweet. Maybe I'll play that tomorrow morning while we're opening our presents.
New Years
I wanted to make my new years resolution to not celebrate Christmas this year. But I can't because the timing is so twisted. Whoever made Christmas come before New Years is a spiteful dickbag. Now I'm stuck waking up early Christmas morning and awkwardly watching my family pretend to be happy. My family is basically insane. But I'm cool with it because I can do all my Christmas shopping at a pharmacy. Also I take pride in being the only person I know who's bought a gift certificate to a psychotherapist.
Last updated December 24th, 2006