The worst feeling of my life.

A "black and white" party is a very formal event where everyone dresses up. But when college kids put on a formal party, it's basically a normal party where they destroy expensive suits.

There was one of these parties tonight. And I went. And going to this party lead me to having the worst, most painful feeling I've ever had.

There was a girl. Of course it involves a girl. I picked her out right away as being the most gorgeous girl I'd seen in a long time. Although she wasn't blatently flirtatious with me, throughout the course of the party she made it clear and apparent that she wanted everything to do with my nuts.

Toward the end of the night, she asked if I'd drive her to her car. I was way too piss shit fuckass wasted to drive, so I said yes. On the way there, she talked a lot. I don't remember much of it because it was raining so god damn much. I think she tried to give me a blowjob. Either that or she accidentally dropped her mouth while it was still attached to her face. But I refused because I was busy staying alive. I did hold her hand though.

We got to the house where her car was. She got her key, came back out, opened my door, and asked, "Wanna follow me home?" And it was so excellently cute. If you can relate this experience in any way, you'll know that it is probably the best feeling in the world. This feeling is the sole reason why parties exist.

I got in my car and followed her. She changed lanes, I followed. A car cut in front of me. She turned, then changed lanes again, I followed. The red lights refracting off the windshield blurred together. Her tail lights were like the eyes of hope looking back at me. She turned again. I followed. I think. I saw a blinker somewhere. I turned in the general area of the blinker. The road was dark. She was gone. The eyes had shut. I was alone.

If you can relate to this experience, you'll probably know that it is the worst feeling in the world. This feeling is the sole reason why suicide exists.

I was about to get out of the car, drop drop to my knees, and cry her name while screaming, "Why? Whyy?" And eat mud and piss on myself. But I didn't do any of that, because I forgot her name. And it'd be embarrassing if I was on my knees passionately balling, "Oh blondish girl from the party? Whyy!? Oh where are you, the tall blondish girl with possibly too much eye liner? Whyyyy?"

I stopped the car and turned off the engine. It was miserable. That was the worst, saddest, and most helpless I've ever felt. So I took a deep breath and thoroughly assessed my situation. And by assessing my situation, I mean pulling down my pants and spanking it into my shoe. Then I shrugged, threw the shoe out the window into an old lady's shopping cart, and went home.

In retrospect, I did a few things wrong. These mistakes in a story generally are called morals. Here are the morals of this story.

1. If you meet a girl at a party, always bang her as quickly and close-by as possible. Never follow her home. No matter how drunk either of you are, find someplace nearby. If all else fails, invent a shrink gun and fuck inside a Rainbow Bright oven mitt.

2. If you're driving a girl somewhere and she tries to give you head, take it. It might be your only chance. If you don't take it, you might end up like me - with a one-night-hand.

3. (for girls) Never wear too much eye liner. That's what makes guys want to cum onto your eye. Help us both out and don't do that. And don't wear ugly shoes to a formal party. Guys can tell the difference between a high heel and an elevated sandal. You're better off putting plastic bags around your feet filled with goatcow shit.

5. A "black and white" party does not mean everyone speaks in absolutes. And this is not in opposition to a Shades of Gray Club where everyone is undecided and dithering.

6. Always keep porn in your glove compartment in case you get cock blocked by global warming.

That's all. Take it or leave it. I'm going to go into my room and assess my situation some more.

Last updated September 8th, 2007