Who would win in a fight: Captain Crunch, Captain Morgan, or Captain Jack Sparrow?
I have my money on... me. I would eat Captain Crunch, and then drink Captain morgan with Captain Jack Sparrow. When he got all drunk, I would cut off one of his dreadlocks and strangle him with it. I'd be like, "You forgot one thing, mate. I'm Alexander!" Sorry, that was bad. It's a cool concept, I just delivered the whole thing terribly. I hate comedians who do that. They have really good ideas, but present them like shit and it makes me sick. Just look at that image - terrible photoshopping. I even used the word "terrible" twice in one paragraph. I deserve to be beaten. If you live in the Missoula area, gimme a call and we can arrange a time when you can bludgeon my face with zuccini bread. Why zuccini bread? What the hell is wrong with me?
Captain Crunch tastes good, but it's really sharp and pointy on my delicate palate tissue. The best cereals are as follows:
1. Life
2. Cinnamon Life
3. Honey Graham Life
4. 2/3 Frosted Flakes, 1/3 regular flake mix
I heard on the radio that a new craze is sweeping the nation. I say it's about time because America is getting pretty dirty.
What's phernalia and how come they only come in pairs?
A guy goes into a store and asks where they keep the baskets. The clerk says, "Check the basket case." Then the crazy girl from Breakfast Club comes up and says, "Can I help you, sir?"
I hate it when people pronounce Compaq as "Compact." Compact is not a computer brand. They're like, "I was using my Compact when I lost my contact lens because I ate too much prozact." Then I say, "Shut the fuct up."
Have you ever egged a house with rocks?
Today I made some word games.
How come you never hear about perpendicular dimensions?
I met this girl named Abcd. I swear to god. Her parents named her Abcd. It's pronounced "Absidee."
If you want to see some sweet breakdancing footage, put your sister's yoga tape in your VCR and press fast forward.
I'm going to invent a new kind of deoderant called Left Guard, because I can't use Right Guard on my left arm. It doesn't work that way. Every morning I have to walk through a mirror into a perpendicular dimension just to deoderize my left armpit. It's terrible. At least it's better than Axe.
I don't care for Axe cologne because girls love it and I hate girls.
Have you ever had caramel applesauce? You'd think it would be delicious. It's not.
Have you ever farted while masturbating and thought, "Thank god I'm not having sex or that would have been really, really embarassing."
Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?
My mom disowned me the other day. She caught me sneaking out while drinking, smoking weed, and masturbating at the same time. It's rough getting busted for all those at once.
A waiter asked me what I wanted to drink. I said, "Whatever floats your boat." I thought that was pretty clever. She tried to get back at me by bringing out a cup, and inside the cup was a piece of paper that had Archimides' Displacement Principle written on it. I tipped her my economics textbook.
Camping is in-tents.
Last updated October 21st, 2004