Things about WalMart that must change.
This is a list of the many poor business practices that WalMart needs to change in order to be considered a decent company.
1. Third world slave labor
WalMart's employees in third world countries make under 20 cents per hour and have the nerve to call their work "slave labor." This is outrageously untrue and offensive to real slaves who make nothing at all.
WalMart does not use slave labor in third world countries. But they should. These people are going to die in a few years anyway. WalMart would be better off working them into the ground with no pay or mercy. Then, jars of sliced olives will be even cheaper. And who needs compassion when you have sliced olives?
2. Lower health insurance coverage
WalMart's current health care system offered to employees is ridiculous. The coverage, terms, and rates are at an unacceptable rate of generosity. It's time for change. Instead of all the real benefits that normal people get, this is what WalMart's health insurance policy should look like -
WalMart employees are the scum of our planet. They are smellier than the decaying bacteria on the bottom of my toilet bowl. Why are we trying to keep these people healthy in the first place? Let's eliminate their health coverage all together. The sooner they die off, the sooner we'll be able to replace them with machines who don't have acne and who don't smell like a dying fuckbat.
More items
WalMart is notorious for having a lot of stuff, but it's all repetition. They have dozens of the same exact kind of pillows. The truth is that there really is no diversity of item selection. For example, if you go into WalMart looking to find a portrait of Frank Zappa signed by Edgar from Final Fantasy 6, you're fuck out of luck.
Actually, that's wrong. I initially made that claim as a joke, but then later went into WalMart and asked. I felt kind of stupid, but the guy didn't flinch. He pointed and said, "Aisle seventy thirty hundred." And there it was.
So never mind that one.
Less yogurt
WalMart's yogurt section is insanely god damn huge. It's astonishing. When I push my cart by, I stop and stare and my mouth drops and find myself saying highly unintelligent things like, "Look at all that fucking yogurt." And people walk by and I watch them mumble and faint. "Look at all that fu.. *BAM*" They keel over. It's distracting.
This is an actual photograph of a WalMart yogurt section.
It's out of control. WalMart's yogurt section is so big that they staff it with two full-time employees around the clock - one for regular, and one for low fat and custard style. Those are two of the most underpaid, underappreciated people in the entire world. I asked the guy on the right how he does it. He said, "Well, we don't Yoplait around." Which isn't funny at all.
More Guitar Hero
WalMart only has one kiosk for playing Guitar Hero. That's such bullshit. Every time I go in there, the line is a hundred people long. It's a five hour wait. I get hungry and have to go to the food section and make my favorite food -
Except, the only problem with those is that, sometimes the meat is stringy and I have to pick it out. Wow, that was really bad. I blame that one on the yogurt guy too. Fucking asshole.
Last updated August 11th, 2007