Guys who like virgins are bad in bed.

Preferring virgins is an insecurity complex among men. Virgins are awful in bed, they have no idea what they're doing, and it's usually very uncomfortable for everybody involved. Except the midget. But virgins aren't into midgets or bondage or any of that fun shit. They want straight-up missionary position until orgasm. I'd rather fuck my blowup doll. At least she gives me head beforehand. It's ridiculous.

Guys who have small penises get off by chasing virgins. And they should. Because virgins and tinydicks are made for each other. The girl doesn't know any better, so she enjoys it. The guy feels confident in knowing that the girl doesn't know any better, so he enjoys it. Have you ever seen virgin porn? It's more cute than sexy. It's like watching monkeys fuck on TV. Instead of saying, "Ohhhhhh," I'm like, "Awwwww."

Some guys think they get off with the whole "pristine untouched territory" fetish, like being the first to walk through new fallen snow. But then they become pedophiles. There's no reason why a man who's confident with his penis size and skills in bed would ever prefer virgins. Unless he was a Catholic priest.

Virgins are always terrified and timid and it totally ruins the mood. Having sex with a virgin is like playing pool with a girl who's never played before - she flails the stick around randomly and giggles trying to be cute. Not to mention she has no idea how to manipulate the balls. It's ridiculous. When I have sex with a girl who doesn't have a clue, I'm like, "Sorry, you are the weakest link." Then I whack off and cum on her face. And that's a problem because I usually have feelings for the girl. And it's impossible to take a girl seriously after I've came on her face. The next day, she'll be like, "Alexander, so what do you think of Sartre's view on utilitarianism?" And I say, "I dunno.... Hey, remember when I came on your face?"

Last updated September 14th, 2005