Utilikilts - get your freedom today, starting at $115 (plus $10 for modesty buttons).
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That's right, some dorks from Washington are trying to profit off the age old Scottish trend of kilts. Living relatively near their headquarters in Seattle, I've come to realize that this new trend is no joke. The Utilikilt fad is growing faster than you may realize and if you see a man wearing a skirt in the near future, don't be surprised. In 2000, a group of artists set out on tour to change the world with their music, dancing, movies, and acting. Once they started, the team found out that they were no good at any of these art forms and decided to market a new kind of clothing garment instead - the Utilikilt. The Utilikilts slogan is "We Sell Freedom" and because of the design of the thing, I'm going to assume that they mean this in a literal, physical sense. However, when it comes to a man's anatomy, there are some things that are better left not free for the following reason: |
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Why Americans initially decided against
borrowing culture from the Scottish.
"...we were surprised to discover that the Utilikilt was becoming a growing social phenomenon, inspiring debate, consistently challenging the media, changing lives, and creating a common symbolism among its wearers (utilikilts.com)."
C'mon, it's a Utilikilt; not a political movement, not a new religion, not even an original idea. The only debate involved with Utilikilts is whether or not to spend an entire weeks paycheck on a male skirt. When it comes to pricing, there is the Worksman's Kilt for $175, Mocker Kilt for $145, Original Kilt for $115 plus $10 with "modesty buttons" (god knows you want those), Leather Kilt for $700, and Tuxedo Kilt which is still in design phase but will probably run in the four digits.
The big problem isn't that they're ugly or expensive, it's because Utilikilts merely perpetuate materialism by saying, "I wear these clothes for this reason." It doesn't matter what the reason is. Utilikilts are trying to prove something, and Utilikilts are clothing. Therefore it is promoting the idea that you are what you wear, which is exactly what the Utilikilt movement is protesting.
It's absurd how they are trying to change the world with these things. Apart from feeding the hunger, ending apartheid, and extinguishing terrorism, inventing a new kind of pant is probably not the next item on the worlds to-do list.
If I were to waste hundreds of dollars to
look like this, I'd only feel Utili-guilty.
The Utilikilt website claims that they are "challenging the media." Now, unless the Utilikilt has a built in feature that causes the wearer to get in a fist fight with Connie Chung, Utilikilts do not challenge anything but the owner's wallet and maybe sexual preference.
A hippy Utilikilt.
Utilikilts are a stupid idea and a pointless fad. They are more expensive than pants, look dumb, and give guys too much freedom. Don't buy one.
If America is going to steal Scotish tradition, we might as well do it right.
Instead, support me and buy one of my Americanized bagpipes. These things are just as socially acceptable and even more functional than Utilikilts. I call them Utilibagpipes:
Traditional American Utilibagpipe
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- American flag decor
- carrying case - includes sheet music for our National Anthem and America The Beautiful |
Hunters Utilibagpipe
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- .30 rifle with scope
- hunters orange patch - Instead of music, each pipe emits an nimal call. |
Terrorists Utilibagpipe
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- jet black
- gas mask - two knives - stores gun powder or other explosives in undetectable steal case |
If you ever see someone wearing a Utilikilt, do what I do and make him feel as shitty as possible. Mock him by saying things like, "Derr, look at me, I wear dresses around, derr." By making the wearer get rid of it, you are doing them a favor, trust me. Let's not let this trend get out of hand.
Last updated November 18th, 2003