Bottom ten worst musicals you've ever seen.
#10 Little Shop of Horrors
I hate this show solely because it got me grounded when I was little. The day after I watched it, I rototilled my mom's garden and burned all our house plants and stabbed my sister's ferret with a pitchfork. Plants can fucking eat people and they don't even have teeth or brains. Imagine what a ferret is capable of.
#9 Rent
Rent is about a bunch of poor gay men with AIDs. This is the worst premise ever. Which, coincidentally enough, is the exact inverse of the greatest premise ever - rich virgin lesbians. Which sadly has no musical of its own.
#8. Les Miserables
I'm tired of the hype for this show. There's nothing great about it. It's French people singing in totally inappropriate situations. Starving bums are waddling around looking for a scrap of food. How do they muster the gumption to belt out in song. It makes no sense. That's the biggest problems with musicals. Any time you start to care about the character or story, they destroy the narrative and sing around and dance completely out of context and character. Nobody sings and dances when they're miserable. It's just awful acting is what it is.
Les Miserables has about as much excess plot as it does excess letters in the name. The plot would go along much smoother if they just cut out all the songs and the dialogue and the plot.
This dumb girl is told to do chores.
Instead of doing her chores, she disobeys. And sings. Naturally, her masters get pissed off and bitch at her. Of course they get pissed. Stop trying to be Britney Spears and do your work. No sympathy for pathetic people. If I ever have kids who try to get out of their chores by singing , I'll death-spike them onto a barbecue and eat their hearts out with a grapefruit spoon.
Later in the show, an ugly girl falls in love with a guy who does nothing but lead her on. Then he goes and bangs some other chick. First of all, of course he doesn't wanna fuck her. Her name is Fontine. No guy wants to bang a girl whos name sounds like a snack cracker. Don't shit, or jizz, where you eat.
But Fontine keeps going for him. This girl obviously has no self esteem at all. And the guy is a pathetic blow hard. And she actually ends up dying for him. What the hell is with French people, anyway? French girls suck ass, their food is shitty, and they smell like beans. Who could ever fall in love with a French guy. Les Miserables is clearly a work of complete fiction.
#4 Cats
The musical features all different kinds of cats. That's false. There is only one kind of cat. The kind that eats and bitches. That's it. The musical tries to make cats out to be a dynamic species. "I'm evil cat, I do bad things.".. "I'm the nice cat, everyone likes me." Nope, fail. No backup symphany can bring cats to any level above generic vermin.
If you haven't seen Cats, imagine if Kiss were gay and hairy and sang campy acappella songs about the color of their hair and what they ate that morning. "I'm the fat cat, I ate a huge mouse.".. "I'm bulemic cat. My owners threw me out because I kept puking on the rug."
If Cats, the musical, were accurate, it would feature a 15 minute performance where a whiney dumb girl comes out in fuzzy spandex, eats some garbage, goes to the middle of the stage and licks her asshole clean for ten minutes and then goes out into the audience and tries to lick everyone.
#2 Westside Story
Gangsters have metal teeth, fancy cars, and hot chicks. The "gang" in Westside Story has none of these. It's a bunch of posers singing and dancing like little faeries and calling themselves a gang. Put the Jets up against any real gang in LA.
"Hello. We're the Jets. Would you care for a little brawl with me and my.." "*BAM* You've been hijacked. Bitches."
#8 The Sound of Music
All music is sound. If it's not sound, it's not music. If you dont' believe me, why do you think they don't make any lyrics sites in braille.
But really, if my children sang me a dumb good-night song every evening before they went to bed, I'd slash all their stuffed animals and suffocate them with the filling. I'll put their head in an Edelweiss-grip. I'd hang them by the neck over a cliff without rope.
I recommend everyone to nazi this movie.
#5 Fiddler on the Roof
I've never seen this, but it sound shitty. Roofs have two purposes - to smoke weed on, and to be the other side of ceilings. What is a fiddler doing on a roof? Probably fiddling. Fiddling with my TV antennae. Good thing I have Internet. Jackass vandalizing bitch. I'll put styrofoam and teflon and crap in my fireplace and poison his ass and sell his fiddle on Craigslist.
#22 High School Musical 1, 2, 3
When I skimmed the first five seconds of these movies, I assumed it was terrible acting. Then I realized that it's not bad acting. That is actually how high schoolers nowadays think they act. When I was in high school, we had the whole genre of human thing, but we all admitted that we were dumb little kids and expressed it in our own way. Now high schoolers think they're adults. They try to act like adults. But their idea of acting like an adult is being overly sarcastic and snappy to each other - all the time. Maturity isn't guaged in how dry your sarcasm is. If that were the case, I'd fucking be Gandolf. It's spot-on annoying to spend any time with high schoolers because they're constantly trying to impress me with how witty they are. Like I'm totally taken aback. "Woah, a 13 year old who can answer everything I say with an exaggeration of the opposite of what I expected. Wow." Today's youth sucks. I know everyone says that about every youth. Maybe I sucked in high school, but these guys suck too.
Let's get it over with and make High School Shooting Musical where we kill off all the characters in these three films.
#1 Billy Elliot
Billy Idiot.
#12 Chicago
This teaches women that all they have to do to succeed is lie, steal, cheat, and fuck guys solely to get something from them. And that's just terrible. The stealing part, anyway. The rest of that stuff is dandy.
I am pro-prostutition. Or any variation of it. Because taking a girl out to an expensive dinner so she'll fuck me is just a tip-toe around the word "prostitution." I'd give a girl whatever she wants for sex. Food, money, jewelry, clothing. Whatever. When I buy a girl something, I am fully aware that I am buying some sacktivity from her.
Because later she'll be thoroughly drugged. I can take back what I gave her. Except the food. She can keep that. And ideally the girl will wake up nauseous and puke up the expensive dinner. Like a little reminder thank you card in the form of vomit. And even better would be if she puked and it coincidentally wrote "Thank you for the nice night" in wheatgrass garnish. I don't know if that's ever happened though. We'll see.
#5 Beauty and the Beast
Belle should have gone with with Gaston. That guy's a badass. He throws a dozen raw eggs, with shells, into the air and catches all twelve in his mouth. If that's not impressive, I don't know what is. Beauty and the Badass. Way better. I guess French chicks such as Belle are more impressed by stuff like shriveled mammoth dicks.
#11 Cry Baby
Just kidding. That movie rules. Here's why.
Any guy who experiences the novelty of banging hatchetface is a god damn hero in my book.
Those are the worst musicals. Musicals are all shitty. It's a failed concept to begin with. It's not music. It's not a performance. It's an ad-hoc fucked up conjoining of the two. Musicals are the siamese twins of the entertainment industry. It is a sloppy in-bred recycling heap concept art form and I don't see the hype for musicals lasting past this century.
Last updated February 22nd, 2009