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How to be an asshole during the Super Bowl.

Just because Super Bowl Sunday is the last event of the season doesn't make it any less boring than all the other games. I hate playing sports. Watching them is even worse. The way I see it, if you're going to sit through four miserable hours of TV, you might as well piss off as many people as you can while you're there. Here are some things you can do to be an asshole while watching the Super Bowl.

. Show up wearing a football uniform.

2. Bring your girlfriend.

3. Tell everyone over and over that you enjoy watching the commercials more than the game.

4. .

5. Hire a midget to come.

6. Cut your toe-nails mid-game.

7. Load up a pipe and yell, "Look everyone, I'm smoking a super bowl!"

8. Frequently ask stupid questions.

"What does that orange pole mean?"
"How many points is that worth?"
"What just happened?"
"Anyone want more chips?"
"Why the fuck is there a midget in here?"

9. Leave the room every two minutes. When you come back, ask who's winning and what the score is. For bonus points, stand directly in front of the TV and refuse to move until all your questions are answered.

0. Make up random player statistics off the top of your head.

1. Kick beer cans over.

2. Root for a team that isn't playing.

3. Fall asleep.

4. Refer to the players by their first names.

5. Ask politely to change the channel.

6. Start a chain of cellphone disturbances by calling all your friends during the game and asking them to call at least two other cellphones. Pretty soon the network of annoyance will spread all over the country. It would start a huge tradition among rebels for boring events and become a nationally known trend. That would rule.

Last updated February 1st, 2004

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