If you have to try to be smart, you aren't.

My friends hate me because I'm stupid. They always have to rub in how smart they are, but instead of making me think they're smart, it just makes me feel more stupid. They use big words and make up overly thought out responses to everything I say. I'll mumble, "Man it's cold out." They'll yap back, "Actually, according to the laws of thermal dynamics, space-time fluctuates relative to the magnitude of heat radiation, therefore it is not actually cold." Seriously, who the fuck cares? Knowing the physics of whatever-the-hell-I-said will not make my fingers any less numb.

I'm by far the dumbest kid out of all my peers. We hang out at a restaurant and while they talk about crazy philosophical nonsense, I doodle on a napkin and play with myself under the table. Every once in a while I say something out of boredom, but they're quick to tell how stupid I am and that I should shut up. I never understood why people want to be smart. All I need out of life is sex, drugs, and Photoshop. Fortunate for me, none of those things require any intelligence. Instead of bullshitting around with text books and studying, I can relax at my computer and stay ignorant without a care in the world. A lot of people tell me I should be motivated to learn something. To hell with that.

I'm not going to lie, I am pretty interested in science. For example, I did an experiment one year in a school science fair. For the project, I studied the psychological effects of botany on the optical nervous system and influence of perspective. Here are my results:

That was the end result. The rest of the project consisted of information and trial statistics which, I must admit, were very fun to collect. Unfortunately, after my hard work, my science teacher didn't appreciate my experiment at all. Neither did the principal. At least my art teacher liked it.

Today it was -30 degrees in my town and tragically I had to work. I wasn't in the mood to shovel my car out of a polar ice cap, so I walked all the way to the restaurant. After drudging in, the first thing I did was brush off the snow from my jacket into a customers face. He pretended nothing happened which was fortunate, for him. My lips were blue and lifeless so I banged my chin on the pop machine a few times until I regained enough feeling in my lips to grease the grill with the mouthful of spit I saved during the walk. My boss began bitching because I was late. I screamed, "Look lady, you call me at 5pm and ask me to work at 5pm. How can you nag when I'm not on time? What the hell is wrong with you?" She got even more furious but I matched her a bowl, so we're cool now.

Later on, a jackass tourist came in and ordered a meal. He talked with a snooty voice and fake sophistication trying to impress me with his knowledge of the artwork on the walls. All it did was make me feel dumb. I walked up to him with my finger dug into his omelette and the man whined at me, "What is your finger doing in my food?" I said, "I'm holding it there. You don't want it falling on the floor again, do you?" Nosey prick customers. I don't even get why they care. Here's the deal, if you come to my restaurant, I guarantee that the germs on my hand will be the least of your worries.

Every day I meet at least ten morons who try to impress me with how intelligent they are. They don't even take the time to realize that I'm a dumbass and wouldn't know a smart person from a clinical retard. Instead of having a normal conversation, they have to enlighten me with dumb tidbits of useless knowledge and big words that I don't even know. I was getting high with a kid once and every time it was his hit, he sat and held the lit pipe while stating dumb common sense factoids like, "Did you know that THC stands for tetra hydro cannabinol?" I just shrugged and tried to ignore it but the kid kept going, "Yeah, and weed is actually legal if you have glechoma, and did you know that nobody has ever died from it?" Finally I shoved my lighter in his face and said, "Look smartass, if you don't shut up and take a fucking hit, I'm going to hollow out your skull and make a bong out of your head."

It would be awesome to smoke pot out of a human skull. I bet crazy voodoo bastards already do this kind of thing in Haitti and what not. I know a pirate would accept nothing less. Think about it - if the idea were ever Americanized, cranium bongs would give a totally new meaning to the word "head shop."

If I met someone who smoked pot out of a skull, I would be a hell of a lot more impressed than if he knew an entire encyclopedia of useless weed trivia. True badasses would pour human blood into it instead of water. Man, I wish I were that cool. Plus, when the bowl was cached, one could say, "Hey, look, it has a black eye." I want one so bad. If anyone is willing to sacrifice their life so that I can smoke weed out of their face, email me so we can arrange a time, place, and guillotine rental.

I keep getting off the god damn subject. Here's the deal - if you need to spend all your time and energy convincing people that you're smart, you aren't. The real intelligent people are the ones that don't give a shit about what people think. They don't sit around all day bragging about what they know and what you don't. Instead, they live life and have fun without giving half of a thought about their meaningless IQ or SAT test scores.

One dirt dumb druggie gave me a long spiel about how he had a higher IQ than most of the straight edge Jocks with good grades. At first I didn't judge him as a complete bullshitter because I liked the idea of a child prodigy that's so far above everyone that they resort to drugs. When he stopped talking, I asked, "So, what's your IQ?" He replied, "The last test I took, it was around 180." Yeah sure, whatever you say, Bohr. I think my bullshit detector blew a fuse on that one. At this point in the conversation, I turned around 180 and walked away.

There are some people who know that they aren't fooling anyone with their lies, so instead of boosting their own ego, they blabber on with achievements of their friends and family. They tell me, "My friends dad's uncle gets to hang out with the lead singer of Tool!" Yeah, so what? My friends get to hang out with the webmaster of the Second Best Page in the Universe. You got nothing.

Liars are so full of shit and don't even realize that everyone sees through them. Just accept that everybody is stupid, only some are less stupid than others. In the end, we all know jack shit and always will. I see no need in learning anything besides how to have fun. Maybe that will change when I'm older, but hey, I'm not older yet, so all you "smart" fuckers can back the hell off.

Last updated January 28th, 2004