Which is more inefficient, 28.8k modems or skateboarding?
Answer: skateboarding.
Skateboarding can be defined as the repeated act of a kid trying a trick, failing miserably, looking pissed, throwing his skateboard on the ground, and cursing. This pathetic excuse for a sport is nothing but a series of failed attempts.
Even though they've never landed a trick before, skaters still get pissed off when they screw up. That is because every skateboarder has alzheimers disease. Skaters attempt a trick with the mindset that they usually land it because their memory has already forgotten that they have never landed it before.
These hardcore X-treme sport tools have many weird names for tricks. However, they can never be used in context. A skater can't say, "Hey, nice kickflip!" because nobody ever lands any kickflips. Realizing this, I made a list of tricks that skaters can use as a reference which will add much more meaning to their sessions.
|
Trick Name | Description | Difficulty |
| Face Plant | In mid air, invert body and gently place cheek down on pavement. | 4 |
| WTF Flip | Jump, kick board so it spins around and flies out of control, scream "What the fuck!?!" | 1 |
| Ass Grind | Approach rail, jump, let board slip out from under you, slide down on ass. This trick is often used as a combo to face plant | 7 |
| Chode Rack | Jump off ledge, let board rotate vertically between legs. Land. | 8 |
| Jackhammer | Get as high as you can and fall on one knee. | 3 |
| Saddle slide | Jump onto rail, slip, let board move out from under you, land with one leg on each side of the rail. A cup is recommended. | 6 |
| Soap Drop | Similar to Chode Rack but board is back further and impales rectum upon landing. | 1 |
This list of tricks is much more pragmatic to skateboarders because the common terminology they master is useless. I hear them saying, "I'm gunna bust out a hardflip to smith grind." when they really should be saying "Check this out, I'm a prison bitch." and doing a soap drop to faceplant.
People are comfortable with the idea of skateboarders potentially landing tricks because of professional skateboarding videos, which are not real. Skate videos are made with computer modeling and special effects. If 3D animators can make dinosaurs and space ships, they can surely create the illusion of a guy landing on a piece of wood.
The Ninjapirate Skateboarding Challenge
Do you disagree? Prove it by sending me footage of a skateboarder landing a trick. Don't rip it off a pro video, I want real unedited footage. Until someone can prove me wrong, skateboarding scores a whopping 0% on the efficiency-o-meter.
Last updated December 2nd, 2003