Movies that could have been better.

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Star Wars: Episode 2

In the first Star Wars trilogy, Yoda had a unique style of speaking. He would use conjugated verbs at the end of a sentence instead of the beginning. However, it is so overused in this film that Yoda starts sounding downright dyslexic. Instead of, "Script is very shitty, it is", he would say, "Very shitty, is, has become script." Then during his big spotlight to show off his skills, he does a bunch of gymnastics with a light sabre. Big deal, If I wanted to watch a midget flip around, I'd have rented the 1998 Chinese Olympics.

George Lucas didn't even direct the movie. The producers get a bunch of idiots to direct it and then stuck the name of a has-been on the cover. George Lucas is insane by now and if they had him director Attack of the Clones, it would have looked more like a David Lynch movie than Star Wars.

They could have had Annikan Skywalker find the weird-looking guy from Lost Highway and kick his ass for looking so creepy. Then the Jedi forces would call in old guys in BMWs for backup who would begin plowing over drones at eighty miles per hour. Meanwhile Bill Pullman would go crazy and get his head ripped off by an X-wing while hotties get naked everywhere and have sex in the middle of the battlefield. That would be awesome.

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Erin Brockovitch

Oops, big typo on the title. Surely it was intended to be Erin Brockobitch.

It must have been hard to squeeze a plot out of a rude lady acting up. The maximum any girl should be allowed to give lip is two or three minutes, yet this film manages to keep the bitching at an incredible magnitude for nearly two hours.

Hmm.. I am at a loss for words here, I wonder what Maddox says about something Julia Roberts.. lemme check.. hrm, just a bunch of derivations of the word "bitch". That pretty much wraps it up; we're lucky in this case to have a single word hit the nail on the head. When I say hit the nail on the head, I mean literally, on her head. Har har. Man I'm dumb.. and tired.

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The previous goes for the Blair Bitch Project and Beating John Malkobitch.

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The Faculty

It should have been a porno called "The Fucklty"

In The Fucklty, there is still a species of aliens that's plotting to invade earth. However, there is a twist on your normal extraterrestrial ass kicking movie - these aliens all look like Gwen Stefani and the only way they can spread is by having wild sex with me. It would go like this: Scene 1: Lots of porn. Scene 2: All the aliens fall in love with me and start fighting over who gets to scrog me next. That starts a civil war amongst them and they kill eachother. All except for ten of the exceptionally hot ones who become my personal sex slaves. Scene 3: More porn. The end.

That movie would rule.

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Last updated September 26th, 2003