Rugby is the greatest sport ever invented. To play the game, you need two rugged teams of about 15 (it doesn't really matter) and no coaches. The objective is to get a ball to one end of a field by any means necessary. Once this is accomplished, start over.
There are four basic rules to the game:
Rule #1: No fighting
Rule #2: No shoving
Rule #3: No cheap shots
Rule #4: No referee
Rule 4 is very important because if somebody calls a foul on rules 1-3, nobody is going to do anything or care. As a general guideline, if a player calls a foul, timeout, or whines like a baby, they are tied to a rope and dragged around the field behind a car. That's how rugby got named. Originally it was an indoor sport played on carpet. Being dragged on a rug stung badly, so they called it Rugby (rug bee).
Another great thing about rugby is that both teams are on nonstop offense. I hate playing sports and having to play defense half the time. If I'm playing rugby and the other team gets the ball, I have the decision of trying to get the ball back or just kicking random opponents in the face. If I'm not near any opponents, I'll kick my teammate in the groin and elbow his liver. A game of rugby consists of non-stop violence until nobody can move. At that point, players walk off their broken necks and meet up with rugby babes to go party.
Football players get fake, ditsy girls while rugby guys have the women that won't squeal when you pull their hair in an act of love. I've been with cheerleaders. It's not fun. They lie on their back complaining about keeping their hair nice and talking about their friends or other boring gossip. That's why I prefer head from a cheerleader, because they can't talk while sucking dick. Overall, I don't get with many cheerleaders because they prefer football players who are supposedly more "macho" than us.
Anyone who calls football a "macho" sport is a fool. Jocks are wimps. They can't even toss a ball around without needing a helmet and pads. Rugby men would play naked if it were legal. Football is for letterman jacket-wearing pussies who coat their bodies with maxipads before each game. I don't understand. If jock football players are so straight edged, why can't they cut the bullshit?
If a football player has one beer before a game, he is kicked off the team. How stupid is that? If a rugby player drinks any less than four or five beers per timeout, a donkey comes and kicks him in the genitals four times. That's a rule I forgot. Rule #5: Alcohol is mandatory. Rugby is all about being sloshed.
I'm not a competitive person. This sport works well for me because rugby isn't about winning. When it comes down to it, the real winner is the one with the cheapest hospital bill.
Notice how none of these players seem to be interested in the ball? They're too busy trying to find an opponent's leg to break. Also, everyone is bent over. This is called a scrummage and it's my favorite part of the game because I can thrust my cleat into people's faces without having to high kick.
I can't wait to play rugby again. I'm so psyched. I don't even care if it's negative twenty with two feet of snow outside. Tomorrow I'm getting up at the crack of dawn and running out to the gradeschool field to play. If nobody else shows up, I'll play by myself. I don't need teammates, opponents, or even a ball. I'll just grab a little yappy dog and piledrive it into some thick concrete before getting drunk and throwing empty beer bottles at children on lunch break. That's how cool rugby is.
Last updated February 7th, 2004
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