I work at a restaurant.
I love my job. I get all the food I want for free, I can mess with customers in any way I can imagine, and I can practice the ghostbuster tablecloth manouver whenever I feel like it. The great thing is, my boss doesn't care because she's busy getting high in the back. The only reason the restaurant stays in business is because 90% of our customers are tourists who aren't expected for a return visit.
Stories
This was one of the first pranks I pulled and it was probably the hardest to do. We have a stuffed grouse mounted on a wall which rests right above a table. On a slow day, I rigged up a system with string that ran along the wall from the kitchen to the bird. I put the string through a hole in a plastic container which I filled with a mixture of ranch dressing, mayo, and other white stuff I could find.
Two unknowing customers came in and the host showed them to the table. We letthem get settled down for a while and drink their tea until the opportune moment hit and we let the shit rip. However, the dish came down with it and blew the whole prank. It didn't even look like birdshit.
The second time we tried it, we had a much more advanced system - the container was skewed with long needle which attached to the birds ass. We also upgraded the components in our fake bird crap by adding some adhesive which kept it together like bird shit does. This time everything worked out perfect. Two people on a date came and the lady sat right under the grouse. She took it right on the shoulder and practically had a heart attack. It was so awesome.
The other waiters are also into harassing customers. There's this fellow named Brad who can pull off the most blatent pranks with utter sincerity. He is the kind of person that can do or say anything without even grinning. Brad's favorite joke to do is give people too much service. At least twice every five minutes, he'll ask a table, "You guys need anything? More coffee? Ketchup? A1? Okay.. well, if you need anything, just ask." Then two minutes later he'll return, this time with a french accent, and give the same routine, "How are we doing? Need any tobasco? le water? le pie?" He'll usually do about four or five rounds before they even order anything. The kid constantly tops drinks off even if they're untouched. It gets rediculous when Brad brings out an ice cube and lets it drip into the cup until the surface tension holds it above the rim.
That all may seem stupid to you, but those are just the slapstick pranks we pull out of boredom. If a customer actually pisses me off, I spill a pot of coffee on his lap. Nothing fancy. The other day a guy asked for more coffee. I took it as a personal insult, so I let his crotch have the entire pot. After a few minutes, I walked out and rubbed it in his face by saying, "Hey soggypants, isn't it ironic that if you had just let me do my job instead of being a whiney bitch, you'd have dry balls right now?" He must have realized how wrong he was because he tipped me $20. That was, of course, after I threatened to kill his wife.
See, as a waiter, I believe it's partially my responsibility to keep assholes in line. Last month a guy ordered ranch dressing on his salad, and when I brought it to him, he complained, "I asked for thousand island." There I was, doing a superb waiting job, and my elite service got crimped by some indecisive snob. So, I brought everybody's food out except his and said, "Sorry sir, yours will be out in just a minute." After twenty minutes, his friends were finished eating and I brought his dish out which was smothered completely in thousand island dressing. He sure didn't think it was funny, but I did, considering he ordered cherry pie. Prick. That's when I came with the coffee pot, "Hey sir, would you like some more.. whhooopss!!"
A real snooty lady came in last week and ordered a taco salad. I was so pissed, I replied, "What? Do I look like a god damn vegetarian Mexican to you?" I hate racist treehumping snobs. Refusing to take any crap from her, I drenched the entire taco salad in coctail sauce. Because it looked so similar to salsa, she actually took a big bite before she realized she'd been had. By then, I was already on my way with the coffee pot. Whooooosshhhhh.. ahahaha.. as I lost control and burst out laughing. Watching an 80 year old lady jump out of her chair like that was too funny to maintain my mask of professionalism.
Once a kid ordered a "Chinook" omlette that "isn't spicy. " Uhh.. all that makes up a Chinook omlette is eggs and jalapenos. What a dumb kid. So what I did was load the thing up with the hottest sauce I could find and let him have it. I was watching the poor boy cry as he took his first bite and it was awesome to see his older sister fall out of her high chair onto the tile floor. The whole family was going crazy. Both the kids were lying on the ground unconscious and the mom just stood there yelling at me to call the police. I was like, "They're your kids, it's not my fault you couldn't keep your legs closed, deal with it." I hate dysfunctional families.
Today a guy asked for tap beer, so I gave him some. He looked up at me like I pissed in a cup and set it down on the table. "I don't want THAT, I want Budweiser," he yelped. I got him a Bud and he shook his head. "No, no, why don't you just get me an Alaskan Amber. " Seriously, people really do that. I wish I made this stuff up. I got back at him though because that kind of insolence is intolerable. Today was the "Griz vs Cats" game, which is the biggest football game in the state of Montana. This jerk was totally into watching it and I was totally into getting even with him, so I pulled out my wrist-watch remote and turned the TV off just before every important play.
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Holy cow, he was pissed. I said to him, "Oh, yeah.. this TV has a short." and he bought it. The man started yelling at the TV and saying things like, "Why the FUCK do you turn off right before the important plays and NEVER during commercials? What a piece of SHIT!" He was so angry, he even knocked a beer bottle off the table and hit the bartender in the arm. After the game, I told him that it was me messing with him the whole time. He laughed and said, "Hey, nice prank, you had me there." |
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Just kidding. There's no way in hell I'd tell him that. The dude would have murdered me.
Anyway, those are some of my restaurant stories. If you can think of any badass pranks to pull at a restaurant, you should tell me because I love trying new things.
Last updated November 23rd, 2003