Our country is fucked. This is a condition that is probably not changing any time soon. Because I am aware of this fact and intellectually qualified to run a country, I am exorcising my right as an American to run for presidency. Unfortunately, I currently do not meet the necessary age requirements. The rules say that I can't run for president until 2028. Regardless, being jobless, schooless, and useless to society, I've decided that now is a good time to begin my campaign.

Like everyone else does when deciding a new president, you're thinking, "Why vote for Alexander? Why not Bush Jr. Jr. Jr.?"

1. When I'm prez, there will be none of this liberal, democrat, whatever nonsense parties. I'm not really sure what all that means, but it's definitely boring. A bunch of old guys in suits talking gibberish about the Middle East is not exactly my definition of a party. When I run, I will taking things back to conventional terms and representing the traditional party of drunk sluts and naked dancing girls. I will call it the Republibeercan Party (it's a working title, don't worry about it. I have 24 years to think of something better).

I have many other great ideas too. Trust that voting for me will be the nuts. For example, instead of spending $100 billion on a war to get more oil, I will use the money to buy every family in the country an electrically powered vehicle. Why haven't they thought of that yet? I don't know.

Like all presidents, I can't do this alone. I need a bunch of people to pretend that they're helping me with my campaign, but are really exploiting political satire to create propaganda against the other presidents and using dirty tactics to destroy their images. Michael Moore, if you're reading this, I'm talking to you.

I will need many people to help me plan out the campaign. I have much of it created already using the Campaign Editor that comes with Starcraft, but there's still much work to be done. I will also need a running mate. Click here to see if you qualify.

If you're interested in helping out in any way, email campaign@ninjapirate.com with information on how you can help.

You old people probably can't do much because you'll be dead by the time I'm elected. However, you can still do your part in making the country kick ass once again. It's easy. Just tell your grandkids to vote in 24 years. Also, be sure that they know which box to check when they see this:

If you don't have offspring, tell your friends. Tell everyone. Let's make this happen. I want 2028-2032 to go down in history as a 4-year long party of the millenia. Get involved today... or tomorrow... or a decade from now. Whenever. You have time.

Last updated August 9th, 2004