I'm pissed.

I just lost $40 playing poker against a bunch of retards and a girl. A hot female desperately trying to be "one of the guys" was pretty cute and I popped a huge one in my pants. I was going to get up and get something to drink but that's way too embarrassing. Every guy knows what I'm talking about. Then it occured to me that bars could cut down on fights if they put viagra in their drinks. If a bar was full of men with boners, none of them would stand up to fight eachother. They'd just be like, "What? Did you just call me a flaming ferret fucker? Hmm.. I disagree. Bye."

It's weird how the sound "bare ass" is found in the word "embarrass" because 99% of the time when you have a bare ass, you're embarrassed. I could have easily made that stupid pun into an even stupider joke, but I thought I'd try giving it to you straight this time. Thank me later.

Once I scrogged a girl with steel wool pubic hair. It was terrible. Terrible, terrible, terrible and obnoxious. People are so obnoxious. I'm so angry. I can't believe I lost forty dollars in a poker game. That's like 13 grilled cheese sandwiches. What a gyp. I hate poker and I hate everyone. I hate it when girls are like, "I'm moody." No, you're not "moody," you're in a bad mood. There is a difference. When you have bad breath, you don't say, "I'm breathy." C'mon. Girls, we are well aware when and how you're being a bitch, just flat out say it. Take my word that men would have a lot more respect for your gender if you guys said, "Don't talk to me, I'm a bitch" instead of, "I'm moody today."

I just got back into town from a week in Seattle (shitty, rainy, stinky, ugly place) and all I have to show for it is Pixies wristband and a few thousand miles on my odometer. The trends in Seattle are so outrageous. I don't understand why people take 2 hours each morning to make themselves look like they just got out of bed and left. Why not just get out of bed and leave?

I went to a Pixies concert and there were people all around holding cellphones into the air. It took me a while to figure out what they were doing. At first I thought that instead of holding up lighters, they were holding up their LCD displays. It seemed pretty clever. Then I realized that these morons had friends on the other line who were listening to the live music through the phone. Is that not the dumbest thing? Is this a big joke? Someone explain this to me. Holy cow. I couldn't take it, so I went up in the bleachers and sat down. While I was trying to watch the band, some asshole on the opposite side of the stadium kept staring at me. It was very annoying so I left and went to a freestyle rap battle competition.

The only cool part about the rap battle was booing people off stage. That's so much fun. I got to participate a lot because most of the rappers sucked. All the white guys tried to be like Eminem and all the black guys tried to be like 'Lil Kim. It was horrible, which was a good thing because yelling profanity at struggling musicians means a great time. The really bad ones just cussed every other word. They were yelling all kinds of terrible things into the mic. During the show, I looked around and saw a few parents with their little kids. That's not the kind of event you want to take your kids to. Then I thought about the game Hangman. What kind of lesson does that teach children? I always played Hangwoman instead. That way you get a few extra guesses because you need to add hair, breasts, and a cellphone to the picture.

Later on when the battle was done, I saw some awesome beetboxing. I brought a camera and took a picture of it:

When I got back home, I checked my email and to my surprise, discovered that 150 more people who have never met me now hate me and everything I stand for. Woohoo. That's so stupid. Why do people hatemail me? I don't understand. It's just a fucking website I have here. I'm not actually like this in real life. Well I am, but they don't know that. Neither do you. Screw you for judging me. Don't you people realize that I'm a human and I have feelings too? It's rough to waste money on a shitty concert, lose $40 in a stupid poker game, and then come home to hundreds of people expressing blind hatred towards me. Above all that, my friends hate me, chicks think I'm ugly, and my car is making weird clicking noises. I wish I could say I was getting fat. That would make a great addendum to my "pity me" list, but the Fatkins diet just isn't working out. Let's see. What kind of name is "The Pixies" anyway?

Last updated September 8th, 2004