Things to bring on a vacation to Paris
I just got back from Paris and I learned some valuable wisdom for the next time I take a vacation there. Which I already have scheduled in my calendar. I'm going to revisit Paris just as soon as another fascist dictator invades them and I'm drafted by the US military to go save their precious little stain of a culture. So I booked a flight for next year.
| 1. Bring American Food. |
Pack your bags with plenty of hardy food. No matter where you go to eat in Paris, you will pay $27 for two bites of pasta and an eye dropper of tea.
The entire time I was in Paris, I was never once full. I walked around the city eating every chance I could get, and never came close to feeling satisfied. I felt like a starving artist. Except I don't do art, so I was basically just starving.
Here is a typical French person's daily diet-
Breakfast: A croissant flake covered in sugar and butter
Lunch: Dust particles in the air
Snack: Negative food
Dinner: An arrogance pill
Have you ever noticed that France has no traditional food. You never hear, "Let's eat French tonight." That's mostly because the French steal cuisine from other cultures. Then they boil it down to almost nothing, and pour on fat and sugar. And also because there really just isn't that much food in France. Every time they export a piece of cheese, three of them starve to death. Saying, "Honey, let's eat French food tonight" is basically saying, "Honey, let's fast tonight. And talk pompously in our shitty incoherent language while we wash our expensive clothing on our rib cages."
| 3. Bring the nicest clothing you own. |
The poorest people in Paris were wearing jackets that cost more than my entire vacation. I saw homeless people sleeping in alleys holding signs that said, "Stranded with unmatching cufflinks. Please help." I felt sorry for one and gave him some change. He gave it back and said, "Sorry, only accept check or credit." These people are crazy and insane and stupid, I don't get it.
| 2. Bring ego repellant |
All stereotypes about French being snobs are true. There's no way around it.
Nobody in France showed any kind of niceness or warmth. They wouldn't even give me the time of day. "Quel hor a til?" I would ask. In French, that means, "What time is it you stupid French bastard fucker ass?" And they treated me like shit.
Fuck everything about the French attitude and culture.
| 4. Bring a history book. |
Don't bring a translation book. Bring a history book. The only thing you need to be able to say in French is, "World war 2, fucker."
Whenever you need something from them, open your book and flip to the part where France surrenders like little girls and the US comes to save them. And they bow like ninny bastards. That's why Paris is so known world-wide for their white wine. By the fifties, they had surrendered so much that they ran out of white fabric and had to start holding up their glasses of wine instead. That's also where "cheersing" came from. During an invasion, they would proudly hold up their white wine in the air and say, "I'd like to propose that we're toast."
| 5. Fuck Paris. |
It is a shit hole. Everything negative you hear about it is true. It is a gloomy, expensive, pompous, miserable country, and of all the places I've been in the world, I'd sooner revisit my dad's nutsack.
| 1. The #1 thing you should bring to Paris is a plane ticket that says "Amsterdam" instead of "Paris." |
Go to Amsterdam instead. Not for the weed or hookers, but for the amazing culture and beautiful scenery. Just kidding, go there for the weed and hookers. And if you're stumbling around the market place overdosing on extacy with AIDs and gonnoreah, at least people around will have the decency to tell you what time it is.
Last updated April 28th, 2008