Dating an anorexic is great. She doesn't eat anything at all. No dinner, no desert, no popcorn at the theater. They're the cheapest dates in the world. It's almost too easy. It's like going to a movie with a blind girl. You basically park in an alley and put on talk radio for an hour and a half.

The problem is that blind girls still eat a lot. So either you need an anorexic blind girl, or just switch her plate with the dish that belongs to her seeing-eye dog. Then hopefully the dog is anorexic and you can return the meal for a full refund.

For blind girls, going on a date means walking outside, getting in the car, turning it on, getting out, going back into the house, and playing Starcraft. She's like, "What movie is this?" And I say, "It's a new sci-fi movie that just came out." And she's like, "Why do they keep saying the same things over and over?" I say, "HMMM." Then after two hours, I say, "What a great movie." And I go with her outside again, start the car, turn it off, get out of the car, and go back inside. But this time, she's still in the car.

This is what you do. Get a blind girlfriend. Tell her you're taking a road trip. Go out to the car with her, start it up, give her a little PSP or some shit to keep her fingers occupied so she doesn't shniz herself and get yuck all over your seats that lingers in your leather. Once she's comfortable, leave the car running and go inside. Then you're free to do whatever you want for at least eight hours.

I shit every day, same time, like clockwork. It's like my colon has an internal metronome. Though, in theory, if I went around naked all the time, I could use my dick as a sun dial. The other day I took a shit, one shit, one plop, one everything. I looked down - two of everything. There were two little buddies, same shape, same size. It totally baffled me. I had to stand up on the sink and look in the mirror to make sure I still had one asshole.

That's the thing with girlfriends. The more senses they have, the harder it is to live with them. That's why smart chicks are a pain in the ass. I had a smart girlfriend. She was correct like half the time. It was god damn annoying. I'd be like, "Well you know the British conquored Sweden in 1848." And she had to prove me wrong. I hate that. Can't people just let me make up bullshit and not have to prove me wrong? What point does it serve? All it does is make me feel stupid and embarrassed. That's it. Proving me wrong has absolutely no other effect.

There was this guy at a party. He was such an asshole. They were talking about cooking. I said, "Yeah well, you can substitute baking soda for baking powder." And this guy actually went on the internet and showed that you couldn't. Why couldn't he just let it go? Let me say my bullshit, know it's wrong, but not say anything. As if anyone actually cares.

What benefit comes from proving someone wrong? I hate it. In my perfect world, everyone agrees with everything anyone says. If I'm at a party and I want people to think I'm smart, I just say a bunch of shit about math. "Hey guys, ya know they found X. Finally. Yeah, some Spanish scientist. He figured out what X is. X is 3. Whodathunk? Of all the numbers, X is three. Jeez." And nobody says shit. They just go, "Wow, that guy is both mathematical and he keeps up on his news."

The future is going to suck when everyone has google on Palm Pilots and Phones everywhere they go. It makes it impossible for me to bullshit my way into or out of anything. No matter what I say, all they have to do is a few clicks to verify it. It's a sad future.

What's weird about school. I've been thinking about this. We spend so much time learning about history, but never any time learning about the future. Are there things about the future that they're trying to hide from us? It's totally corrupt. They basically say, "Flying cars, cities on clouds, end of lesson, go home." There's thousands of of text books written on any kind of history you can imagine. I've never once seen a textbook about the future. Maybe we all die in 3 years and that's their secret.

Sometimes I think about the apolocypse. It's like, "Yeah, that would fuckin rule." Sure, the carnage would rule. Everything being destroyed and chaos and I get to run into Best Buy and grab all the sweetass computer rigs and TVs and stuff to pimp out my bunker.

But then, imagine a few weeks later. It's still the fucking apocolypse. Everything has calmed down, it's barren outside. Just slight gusts of wind and ash. And I'm stuck in a bunker with an Xbox 360 and ten copies of Madden 08 because some geek bastard took all the slick games. And that's just two weeks later. Imagine years of that. Hours would go by so slowly. Post-apocolypse is a boring world. No vampires or zombies or anything. Just me and god damn John Madden for the rest of my life. And maybe a blind chick too. And I have to sit there all day, "Yeah, still the same Football movie, honey, be patient." Sounds shitty.

Last updated December 26th, 2009