"I will start at the beginning of next year, I swear."

New Years resolutions work great as an excuse, but people who take them seriously need to get a clue. Everybody knows that by the middle of January, all resolutions will go out the window, so why try?

All I hear is whiners who swear they will lose weight and start exercising. Screw that. I am stupid and lazy, and I know I'm not about to change. I write resolutions which I actually have a chance at achieving. For example, here is the list I wrote last Christmas that I've kept true for the entire year.

Anybody who uses the new year to get motivated is ignorant. I don't get it. Do they expect the New Years Fairy to stick a Nordic Track under their pillow or what? It blows my mind.

I also hate people who say they're going to quit smoking but never do. All I can say is, "Why?" Smoking is awesome. I plan on starting as soon as possible, and once I do, I will never try to quit. In fact, here is this year's list of resolutions.

People need to stop sucking ass and start being reasonable with their goals, like me. I may be a dumb alcoholic loser, but at least I don't lie to myself. People do. I hate people. I am the only decent person I know.

Last updated December 28th, 2003