Maynard James Keenan did it all for Yoo-hoo.
Maynard is the lead singer of Tool and A Perfect Circle. He's a crazy guy. For example, one day he couldn't find anything to wear so he smeared half of his body with white paint and the rest with blueberry yogurt.
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I went to a Tool concert last year. All the musicians looked normal and stood on the stage playing their instruments. Maynard, on the other hand, perched atop a rotating platform and just sort of wiggled around the whole time. When he wasn't singing, he would bend over and twitch like a monkey in dire need of an exorcism. |
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So, why is Maynard so weird? First of all, anyone who is named after a condiment can't be right in the head.
Apart from being named after Maynard (a mixture between mayonnaise and mustard), he loves chocolate milk. He loves it so much, in fact, that A Perfect Circle hid a subliminal message in their hit song "Judith."
Excited with discovering Maynard's secret to success, I purchased five cases of Yoo-hoo and guzzled them over a 72 hour period. The artificial coco and sugar slowly seeped into my nervous system and began taking over my brain. I was no longer in control. I started dancing around the room like an epileptic ape with a microphone while my family stood there watching.
All of a sudden, my nasal-geek voice cleared up, I got a sense of rhythm, and I was no longer tone deaf. In a matter of ten minutes, an overdose on Yoo-hoo transformed me into rock star material. Now I've decided to give up on this website and devote all my time into becoming a rock star. Good bye, I'll see you on MTV.
Last updated April 5th, 2004