I have two minutes and 48 seconds to write an update
That's how busy I am lately.
I put my turkey burger into the microwave, ran to the computer, and started typing. And I hear a ding, I'm going to upload this bullshit and go eat my delicious turkey burger.
Okay I'm going to be real with you people, even though none of you have earned my respect.
But I'm really sober right now, and I feel all mushy and nostalgic and I wanna make out with a donkey.
So, I think about this sometimes - My site used to get about 10,000 hits per day. I receieved at least 5 fanmails daily, I was on internet radio shows, and girls stalked the shit out of me. In one day my site got 400,000 views. It was when I started a rumor that Jon Heder died, and they talked about me on Conan, and all that glamorous yada yada bullshit..
Now here's how many views I get:
FUCKALL.
Truthfully, I get about 100-200 visitors per day.
When I started this site in 2001, I went weeks without getting any hits at all. But I kept going, and eventually I made it to the 100+ visitors per day mark, I was so god damn thrilled. A hundred visitors in a day! Reading my bullshit! I remember how happy I was because I would sit and eagerly watch my hit counter go up, and every 100th visitor I would throw myself a jerkoff party.
Now, 100-200 is worthless trash numbers, not even worth putting effort into. 100 hits? Really? You can film yourself petting a cat, put it on YouTube, and confidently get more than 100 views per day.
But back then, even one visit was enough to keep me going for a week. Why is that? Why do you humans desensitize ourselves to what we enjoy and what drives us to contribute dick jokes to society? If I like getting wasted and talking about confusing an anorexic girl's tits with her rib cage, why do I need 10k people to validate it before it's worth sharing?
And it's not like I've changed. People don't change. I haven't "lost" anything. I've spent the last year traveling aroung the world. You really think I have NOTHING to say?
But no, you're just not worth the time, because I'm accustomed to a larger audience.
It's like when we're young, having a pleasant evening with a girl and maybe kissing her and stroking her hair was enough to make us the happiest person on the planet.
Now if we spend 3 hours with a woman and don't happen upon our dick in their ass, it's like the night was a complete waste of time.
Remember when you were 6 and you found any amount of money, and you were just overjoyed? It was like a flock of angels came down from on high and wing-jobbed you delicately while golden toys shat out their asses for extended periods of time? That's how it felt.
Now you find some money on the ground and go, "Oh look!!! Awww, only a couple bucks? Lame."
I'm not being depressing, I swear. It's just a shitty fact of life, but.. whatever..
Haha, really though.. "wing-job." I honestly just thought of that, and now I really want one. I bet angels have the softest wings. It'd be like 10x softer than the sheepskin rug I'm accustomed to.
Holy cow. I have so many awesome dating stories from Tinder. I met a girl in Guatemala who ended up being like 15 years older than her pictures, and she kept asking me for a three-some, but I thought she was saying "treason," and I was really afraid and confused. Actually... just like literally a week ago, a Tinder girl stood me up because she Googled me, found this site, and decided not to meet me. Isn't that horrible? But how often has that happened in the past 10 years and I haven't known about it?
My turkey burger is probably cold by now. Ugh. Really though, you guys are cool. Truly. Thank you so much for being a statistic that used to mean something but is now worthless.
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