Songs to not play on the piano.
When I was nine, I went to my parents and said, "I wanna learn to play the piano!" So they got a piano. The week it arrived, I lost all interest in ever touching a musical instrument ever again because my siblings played the following tunes day and night. Now instead of being in an orchestra or symphony, I watch porn and drink beer all day long.
1. The Knuckle Song
Parents are always whining about how kids are being corrupted by rap music and punk rock. WHAT ABOUT THE KNUCKLE SONG? You know what I'm talking about; when you roll your knuckles on the three black keys and it sounds like an omish dance-off.
Everyone should paint every two or three black on their piano white. That will confuse the hell out of knuckle song players and hopefully give them a brain aneurism.
2. Fur Elise
The whole song is alright, but unforunately people only take the time to learn the first nine notes. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It goes like this:
You know.. "da do da do da doo dee daa dooooo". Then instead of stopping and looking like an idiot because they don't know the rest, they pretend to get distracted by something else and walk away from the piano. What really pisses me off is when people try to add their own style by sliding their finger off a black key onto a white one. Way to add style there, Beethoven. These people should get together with DJs and wreck a train.. I mean.. have a jam session.
3. Heart and Soul
People love to play this duet because it loops flawlessly every 16 measures. You can play this song for about 10 minutes before listeners start to catch on that you're playing the same thing over and over again.
Losers who don't have a friend to play it with just play the bottom part which loops every 8 beats. Even an idiot knows that this gets old quickly, so they start to change it around a little bit by playing the right hand notes seperately instead of all together. Then they reverse the order by going 1532 instead of 5312. Ugh. Play the song right. Actually, don't even play the song at all. Stick to what you're good at and go watch TV.
4. Chopsticks
Were your friends not impressed by the Japenesse writing on your shirt? Well there's still another way to prove to them that you have culture - learn an authentic Oriental theme song like Chopsticks.
Nobody even plays this song right. They just bang on two adjacent keys and move outward. Ugh. It makes me wanna shove chopsticks through my eardrums.
5. Easy songs that sound good
There are a lot of great songs out there that any idiot could learn. When people play them, they think that they're just as good as the composer who originally thought of the idea. I guess I'm sort of guilty of this with my site, but I'm a hypocrite. What are you gunna do about it?
Examples:
Tool - Schism: The bassline is awesome sounding, and simple to play on any instrument. For that reason, I hate people who play it because they suck and sound good. I guess I'm jealous or something.
Nirvana - Come as You Are: Played by dipshits who are too unoriginal to come up with their own arrangement of five notes.
Prodigy - Mindfields: Hundreds of effects and modifications went into that song. It doesn't sound good when played on a regular piano, trust me.
I hate that crap. Then people crowd around the pianist and say things like, "Hey! That song rules!" and the player is flattered because he hears it as, "Hey, you rule playing that song!" No, the song rules, you stink.
6. Theory lessons
If a book of piano songs says "beginner" anywhere on it, throw it away. Nobody wants to hear that garbage.
In beginner level piano books, they have little exerices to help you develop certain isolation skills and what not. They'll put a C Major scale on a page and title it "Flying over the Mountain Range" so that kids think they're learning a song and not taking a theory lesson. Anyone dumb enough to fall for these lies shouldn't be learning an instrument in the first place. They should be working in a clothing factory or rolling cigarettes at a tobacco plantation in India.
0 people get bloody hands from playing the knuckle song so much.
Last updated October 30th, 2003