People generally suck. Your next reincarnation is no different. He'll probably be a shitbag. Why would anybody resist fun and enjoyment so that some asshole stranger in the future can be born into a good life? Just because we have the same soul doesn't make us friends. He can earn his own god damn karma. I'm going to do what I want and kill whatever creatures I want and treat the universe like the shit harvest it is.
It's so stupid when girls are like, "Don't harm that spider, it's a living thing." What else am I gunna do? Harm a dead thing? It's so annoying, I hate it. So I grab the spider and rip its legs off. And I use the legs to make a tally of how much I hate whoever idiot is trying to preach compassion on me.
People are like, "Don't dropkick that ferret, it'll give you bad karma." I know for a fact that I'm going to die and be reincarnated into a shitbrick loser who laughs at sitcoms and wears Frank Zappa shirts. Why should I ruin my life for that ass?
In fact, I'm going to go out of my way to destroy my karma on purpose so that he's born straight into incurable misery. He'll have a starving abusive trash family with a down syndrome brother and stinkwarts on his eye whites. And I'm going to learn to communicate from the dead and write him letters to rub it in.
I wonder if karma can reach rock bottom. If it ever gets to the point where you can't get docked any more negative points. Like negative fifty thousand karma points and thud, Nirvana gives up on you. Buddha is like, "You're banned from the Akashic Record Hall. Why? It's cosmological plane and simple. Now go-tama fuck yourself." That's when you can do anything and not care. Not like you ever cared, but there might have been a flicker of benevolence. And it'd be sweet to hear someone as noble as Buddha making silly puns.
Sometimes when bad things happen to me, I wish I could meet my soul's previous incarnate. The guy who lived before me. I wanna meet him and be like, "What the fuck did you do to make me deserve this dandruff? You piece of ethereal shit." That makes me more pissed. So I throw anything innocent I can into helicopter blades.
There's only one thing I've ever done to purposely get positive karma. I saw a cat eating a mouse. And I felt bad for the mouse. So I saved its life by bludgeoning the cat into personal extinction. Then I put the mouse in a mortar and pestle and minced it. I grabbed my friend's bunny by the hind legs and broad-sided its skull on the corner of an oak desk as hard as I could. And I'm very proud.
There isn't a single creature on earth that I wouldn't gladly kill. Shooting birds is pretty lame. Only assholes have the nerve to shoot a bird. What I do is trap them, then I fire extinguish one of their wings. I get a bunch of them together and drop the whole lop-winged flock off a building.
Have you ever hacked bear grass flowers off?
It's fun. You take a stick and swing really fast and cut the top off swiftly and smoothly, and if you do it right, the remaining stem part won't move at all.
I always wonder if this same awesome game can be applied to other things.
Give me a katana in a field of unlegged ostriches and I am the happiest man alive. The trick is to swing the blade halfway down the neck and see how long after the head falls does the body collapse. If the body stays up and walks a few steps and flaps around for a minute or two, you win. Or maybe you lose. I don't know. Or care. I just want to squelch something cute.
Last updated December 17th, 2007