VW Jettas are the biggest German disaster since the Hindenburg.

In 1936, the Germans used their mastery of engineering to produce a Titanic-sized blimp they called the Hindenburg. To make a long story short, it crashed and burned. Some say it was because they filled it with Hydrogen. Some say it was struck by lightning. If you want to know the real reason why the blimp failed, go buy a Jetta and take it on a road trip.

Half a century later after the Hindenburg, the German engineers started working on the Jetta. The term "Jetta" means "slug" in German. Go figure. They are worthless cars. They're not sporty like BMWs, luxurious like a Mercedes Benz. or reliable like Audis. They're slow, ugly, and boring. The engine is about as powerful as Wolfenstein 3D's.

People buy Jettas and forget to realize how ugly they are until after they've purchased them. Instead of trading it in, they think $2000 on new shocks, rims, tinted windows, and paint jobs will make a difference. No. Also, for some reason, many people like to install shopping cart handles on their Jettas. What's the deal with that?

That's the tackiest thing ever, and it doesn't effect the performance of the vehicle at all. People try all of these things, but nothing ever works. In the world of automobiles, the Jetta is the fat girl that cakes on makeup because she thinks it improves the appearance of her hopeless body shape. No matter how much makeup a fat girl wears, she's still butt ugly because Jettas are pieces of shit.

I've been in 16 car accidents and they were all caused by a Jetta. Maybe not all directly, but somewhere along the line, a Jetta was involved. The last one I was in, a Jetta cut a guy off who swerved, then the guy ran into me. It was ridiculous.

The time before that, a girl who used to own a Jetta broke up with her boyfriend who got sad and listened to Barry Manilow. When some black dude heard the music coming from the guy's car, he got pissed and shot him. The bullet landed on the road and sat for 2 days until someone drove over it and popped his tire. The driver freaked out drove off the road. Driving by the accident scene, I lost concentration on the road when I was looking at the wreckage. Later that day, a guy grabbed a bat and beat me in the face for no reason. All because of Jettas. If you don't believe it, shut up.

Last updated August 13th, 2004