I would rather have sex with any animal
than another dude.
Pick any animal. Pick any guy. Hold me at gunpoint to have sex with one of them. I will go for the animal 99 times out of ninety nine.
Animals are so foreign to me that the thought of bestiality is just weird and disturbing. After sex with a sheep, I'd be like, "God damn that was fucked up." Then I'd laugh it off. After having sex with a dude, I'd be furious and crying and in a state of emotional upheaval. It'd be far worse than the surreal absurdity of sex with a fat stupid cow.
This is all hypothetical. I don't consider myself to be homophobic. And I'm not particularly attracted to animals. And I'm not tritefully trying to be "edgy" by talking about this. It's a very dark and odd realization and I imagine a lot of people, even you, are afraid to ask yourselves these questions.
It works like this - I'd rather have sex with a gorilla than another guy. I'd rather have sex with a raccoon than a gorilla. I'd rather have sex with a newt than a raccoon. I'd rather have sex with a flower than a newt. Basically (excluding human females), the further from me in the evolutionary process, the less awkward sex is. Which is incredibly ironic because of how much I enjoy masturbating.
I might even go as far as to say Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings. But I pretty much consider him a female anyway. It's probably best if I write him off as a fluke for the sake of having a solid argument.
Is it cultural? Has society molded me into being disgusted by man-on-man action? Or is it instinctual? Monkeys have gay love all over each other. Even pigs have been known to pork each other from time to time. Pun absolutely intended. They do it inside their pig pun. (pen) Pig pen. A writing tool for pigs. A guy steals a pig and they're like, "Gimme my piggy back." Piggy bank. When I was a kid, my parents bought me a piggy sperm bank. This is all starting to make sense. Not really.
Last updated February 12th, 2011