Being homeless isn't as bad as you think.

A lot of people think being homeless means you have to be drunk, stink like shit, and beg people for money. This simply isn't true. I am very homeless and I certainly don't stink or beg for money.

I feel very free these days. I have no job, no responsibilities, nowhere to go, and nothing I have to do at any time or place. I walk until I find a park, wander around, and then take a nap. When I wake up, I walk to the next park, nap, wake, walk, nap. All day long. I also hang out in libraries and colleges. Colleges are great because nobody suspects that you don't take classes there.

The key to sleeping outside is to be nocturnal. If a security guard sees you sleeping on a bench at night, he'll assume you're homeless and rape you. If a guard catches you sleeping on a bench in the middle of the day, he'll assume you're either taking a nap or resting from playing frisbee. I don't know why they assume it's frisbee. You could have been playing football or soccer or any other sport. Security guards are weird.

I meet a lot of people too. I sat with a group of fake hippies yesterday outside an internet cafe called LinuxCaffe. As if that's not pretentious enough, these girls were dumb as bricks, but hot. What's with using building materials to describe drug induced states? Stoned, plastered, I'm sure there's more. There was one guy with them who was ridiculously gay. I realized something - there is no reason to not have all gay friends. Gay people are the best friends a guy could have.

Girls manipulate guys because guys want sex from girls. With gay friends, a guy can act as the female. If a guy wants to do me, I use his lust to my advantage and manipulate him the same way that girls taught me to. Food, rides, places to stay, diamond jewelry, whatever. I hang out with gay people as much as possible. People say that nothing in life is free. Whoever said that is clearly homophobic.

No matter what anyone says, the hardest part about being homeless isn't hunger or shelter or being raped or any of that cliche nonsense. It's finding a place and time to beat off. I search for hours looking for this ideal location where it's comfortable, quiet, and warm. Thickets, drain pipes, up in trees, rooftops, whatever. I'm like Jackie Chan when it comes to frapping in public.

Last updated May 8th, 2006