Practical Texas hold-em poker strategy.
Texas holdem is boring. Especially if you take it seriously. But everyone finds themselves sitting down at the green oval holdem table from time to time due to peer-pressure or curiosity of poker.
There's plenty of Texas holdem books, Texas holdem websites, and Texas holdem instructors that can teach you Texas holdem strategy and techniques and bullshit on how to play well. But none of that really matters because even if you play poker better than everyone at the table, you'll still lose all your money to the rake. So if you're going to lose money playing Texas holdem, at least do it with some style.
So in case you find yourself stranded in a Casino with $500 in your pocket, here are some practical Texas holdem tips and strategies that I've come up with.
Talk constantly about girl problems, family problems, financial problems, anything personal.
Blow smoke into the middle of the Texas holdem table.
Tip the dealer a quarter on a huge pot and say, "Here ya go, buuuudy."
Ask if you can deal.
When you catch a lucky river, tell people it was all skill.
Say, "Alright, let's see some pocket aces" every time you're dealt.
Always claim to have the stone-cold nuts on every flop. If the flop is king-king-three, say, "Wow, good thing I didn't fold my pocket kings heheheh."
If you folded before the flop, say, "Dammit, I would have won that hand."
When you get dealt Aces, check to the river and whine about how your pocket aces always get snapped.
Accuse people of being suck-outs when you never had anything to begin with.
State the obvious after the fact. "Man, you should have folded."
Inform others in great detail of how they screwed up and what they can do to correct their playing flaws.
Request a deck change every three hands.
Change seats constantly and complain it's because of the smokers. Make all your complaints in betwee drags.
Ask people why they're wearing sunglasses inside.
Contemplate every decision for at least thirty seconds.
Completely misuse poker jargon. "Sweet! I have the inside outside nutter butter gutshut flush-house draw."
When it's your blind, throw the chips into the dealers fingers while he's shuffling.
Dress up like a Jew with the hair curlies and everything. Then buy in for ten thousand dollars and don't play a single hand.
Bitch constantly.
Bring a plastic animal and play from its point of view. Example: "Biglette the Frog folds"... "Biglette the Frog raises".. "Biglette the Frog is not pleased with the river card."
Make awful puns.
-"Damn, my river was dry."
-"I fold.. tower."
-"Four to call.. protocol..."
-"I'm raisin.. no, no, like sundried."
-"I'm pot commited. I just can't stop smoking the stuff."
-"Look, I have a chip on my shoulder."
-"I check.. oslavokia."
-"I put almonds in the freezer and got the stone cold nuts."
Set a picture of a famous poker player in front of you. Show him your cards and ask for advice. "What do you think, Mr. Moneymaker?"
Pick at your chode underneath the table and smear the underbutter on the chips and cards.
Quote KGB.
Tell neighbors stories about really lame hands you've had. "Last week I caught an ace on the turn and won hahahaha."
- When you lose, say, "Sure, you may have won the chips, but I won the satisfaction of knowing you're touching chips that I tainted with chode paste."
Count out large bets in stacks of two.
Always ask the dealer, "How much can I bet?"
Always put the wrong number of chips out.
Ask the dealer to slow down.
Ask other people what they had.
Whenever you lose, sigh and mutter, "Every blind squirrel finds a nut."
Buy 400 chips and set them in front of you in stacks of five.
Stack your chips like stairs and be like, "Look, it's stairs." And have your plastic animal climb up and down them and make faggity little sound effects.
Last updated July 2nd, 2005