Candy is outdated, give children drugs and beer

I went trick-or-treating last night because my friends made me. Going house to house, all I got was some generic candy and a religious comic strip. The best thing I got was the comic strip; everything else was just a bunch of processed sugar. At least the comic had some flavor to it.

I don't understand. If you want food, just go to the store and buy some. Why spend $20 on a used Santa Clause costume and wander around for three hours in ten degree weather to collect $5 worth of candy? It doesn't make any sense. Halloween is stupid.

One thing that really got to me was when the people handing out treats would stand there with a bowl with half shitty and half decent candy. Without letting me pick, they just grab one and give it to me. What the hell? I wanted a butterfinger, not a jolly rancher. What a pompous, controlling, disgruntled asshole on a powertrip. Man that pissed me off.

Other than that, my trick-or-treating experience was alright apart from two things: the temperature and the fact that nobody came to the door with a bowl full of marijuana. If I were the ruler of the universe, I would change the date of Halloween to mid june and rename it Halloweed.

Kids like candy, but they love drugs. Am I wrong? Plus, if the kids are too sissy to smoke it, parents can deal the pot and use the money to buy their children candy. If someone is too broke to hand out weed or heroin, they can give children cigarettes and beer. See, it's a flawless system!

I remember trick-or-treating with my mom back when I was six. We went up to a house and I saw a bunch of wine through the window. I was like, "Nice, this guy's gunna hook me up." So he comes to the door and hands me a tootsie roll. I was so angry, I burned his house down. That kind of teasing little kids with alcohol will not be tolerated and from now on and I'm handing out crank and LSD to trick-or-treaters. I hope you follow in my foosteps and at least give kids some perscription sedatives instead of dum-dums and tootsie rolls.

Last updated November 1st, 2003