High school graduation licks balls.

High School graduation ceremonies are terrible from start to finish. The only way to keep one's sanity is by playing tick tack toe. Make sure you bring extra writing utencils and several pads of paper because not everyone is thoughtful enough to bring their own.

They start with the ever cliche principal introduction (Example: "We are here today to honor these fine young pupils as they transcend upon the next doorway into their [analogy involving the words 'path' and 'journey'] of life... bullshit... bullshit... bullshit...). I'm so sick of life being referred to as a "path." Last I checked, we are not strutting down a lovely walkway with pretty little flowers and a nice warn breeze flowing by. Life isn't a path. Fuck no. Life is more like a tight rope on fishing line with a mile long drop into pirahina infested lava. You can take your theoretical "fork in the path" and shove it up your theoretical asshole.

[picture of a guy wearing a graduation robe
getting eaten alive by giant flame-retardant fish]

Random people give speeches for eternity. They try their heart out to keep you interested in what they have to say about the "transformation into real life." So you're sitting there like, "What the fuck? I got a tick-tack-toe game goin on here, stop distracting me you old piece of trash." Who the hell are these people and why are they trying to instruct me on how to live my life? I like to embarass my friends by calling their cellphones. BRRINNGGG. Instant entertainment. Anything to keep occupied. If they have the nerve to answer, I invite them up to my area, "Hey buddy, we got TickTackToe championships going on over here at Section 5; row 11."

Then come the valedictorian speeches. How the hell is that spelled? Valedicktorian? Valadictorien? Oh well. Valadickheads is what they are. There's always a dozen of them. These ugly four point extracurricular snotfaces come up one by one and read off a pre-written-by-their-dad lecture about how to be successful. Woah there, buddy, you got a few A's in High School and won a student-body election that no sane person takes seriously. We're not impressed. Save your success stories for later in life when you're a burned out secretary for a corporate telemarketing agency. The answers to real life do not come in a text book. By now, your parents are definitely sick of doing all your work for you. Good luck on your own.

When the graduation ceremony is finally over, you go to the party. I'm not talking about the intense multi-keggar with naked chicks running around passing out shots of Yeager (that's later in the evening). I'm talking about the party where old people you've never seen before come up and ask, "So Alexander, what are you up to lately?"... "Oh you know, the usual - slipping rohypnol in your daughter's Corona and exploiting her fragile little body... the usual."

[pornographic image]

Graduating high school is way overrated. It shouldn't even be celebrated. Graduating is pretty much expected of people. If you don't graduate, you should be punished. If you pass, okay, time to move on. They make it come off like these people are the chosen few who have attained the ultimate highest, most honerable human accomplishment. Hell no.

Last updated June 12th, 2004