Game reviews.
Ski Free.
I like to go to computer stores and check out the new top-of-the-line computers. I read the specs and say, "Holy shit! This computer rocks!" I sit down, eager to test its supreme high-tech powers. Unfortunately, the only interesting software installed is the ski game. It only uses a billionth of the processor power, but I play anyway.
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Here I am, hauling ass, busting stylish tricks two hundred feet in the air, blazing trees, and running over giant dogs. What the hell are dogs doing on a ski hill? It doesn't matter, they're all dead when I turn them into a dog kabob on my ski pole. |
Look at that grin. Sneaking up on me like that. He thinks he's so cool because I don't see him. As if when I ski, I'm usually on the lookout for hungry man-eating yetis. Doesn't he have anything better to do, like eat kittens? |
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End of the road. No more daffies or backflips. The 'squatch isn't hesitating to devour my entire body, clothing and all. You'd think fiberglass skis are too much for his digestive tract. Think again. Skis, along with the poles, boots, and wool flannel. The beast has no patience. |
Once all is said and done, the sasquatch does a little victory dance and laughs at me. |
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Good thing Ski Free isn't the only thing installed on this computer. I also have photoshop. Who's got the last laugh now, bitch? |
That sasquatch is such a piece of shit. It represents all that sucks about everything and everyone. I had so many nightmares about him when I was little. My friends and parents would try and get me to go skiing. Hell no. Couldn't do it. Too afraid of being mauled.
Doom 3.
Start new game. Thirty seconds go by. No weapon, no fun. Mild distraught. Five minutes pass and all I get is, "Hello soldier, are you new? Let me give you some tips - when firing, make sure to... blah blah blah." I really, really, REALLY don't give a fuck. I just want to kill. I don't care if it's teammates or officers or aliens, I demand to be the cause of death of something.
There I was, deep inside an allied space station, trying to find a way to harm other soldiers and get them to say, "Hey, I'm on your team!" No luck. An officer approached me. Instead of giving me a lazer-guided alien fucker-upper and showing me to the battlefield, he asked me to report to my guild. What the hell is a guild and why would I want to go there? I wandered around for ten minutes, hoping to come across the station's daycare so I could stomp some babies. Nothing. Twenty minutes into the game, I haven't slaughtered an alien, blown a reactor to pieces with a missile launcher, pistol-whipped my teammate, or picked up a weapon of any kind. I hate these kinds of games. There are so many things I wish I could do but can't because I have to adhere to the strict story line.
Start-settings-control panel-add/remove programs-Doom3-remove.
Starcraft
Starcraft rules. Here is proof:
When you do a google image search for starcraft,
this is the first picture that comes up. Enough said.
No matter what I say about anything, keep in mind that Starcraft is king. Everyone knows that.
Slimeball.
When I played Doom 3 for the first time, I pondered to myself, "Yeah, this game is alright, but it would be a lot better if it had four colors, three graphics, two players, one ball, and no point. Then I found Slimeball. Click here to play.
After getting dominated for five minutes and not scoring a single point, I realized that Slimeball is impossible and that the opponent wasn't actually a computer. There is clearly a Korean kid on the other end sitting on his computer all day long and kicking everyone's ass.
Have you ever played a Korean at Starcraft? They dominate you ever time. There is no hope for anybody when one of them slinkers joins the game. You know he's Korean because his name will be something like "[MuShU]-xauxau" and no matter what you say, he'll respond using only the top row of the keyboard; "^^" or "-___-;;" or "()()=====D"
There are five levels in slimeball, and I can barely score one point on the first guy. If I do, it's a sheer fluke. In fact, that screenshot is the only time I've ever scored and I played it for fifty four hours straight. Slimeball is the least beaten game of all time.
Last updated December 17th, 2004