Proof that nuclear radiation will wipe out America within one year

Two years ago there was a blip in the news about a Japanese nuclear power plant shutting down due to an earthquake. Since then, there have been massive efforts to cover the story up. Both the US and Japanese governments have spent billions of dollars paying off news media, shutting down websites, and selling tampered geiger counters to the public.

Recently, due to failed cleanup efforts, there has been so much activity in the region that it can't help but bubble up in the media to credible sources.

The truth is - the real situation is much worse than any of these news articles portray. Here is a recent photograph of the Fukushima plant taken from an annonymous photographer. Notice the flames and the plume of smoke carrying toxic radiation into the atmosphere.

I don't have a degree in nuclear physics, but I do know a lot about information systems, data modeling, and topology -

And yesterday I found a site that provides raw government spectroscopsy reports of the Pacific ocean. I plugged it into some computer modeling software and ran some simulations overnight to predict how the nuclear meltdown will affect the Western coast of the United States. My friend's dad is a nuclear physicist, and I verified this with her, so it's at least somewhat credible.

Here are the results I found.

Notice how nothing is wrong before the meltdown. There is literally zero radiation to be found anywhere.

Today you'll find radiation seeping through the undercurrents of the Pacific and making their way over to our coast.

Already we're seeing signs of radiation appear on our own coastline. This is after only two years.

Notice the spread of the radiation, and the increase of radioactive toxins being detected on the coastline.

The outlook only gets worse from here.

This might look like just scientific garbly-gook to the layman, but I can tell you that the impact will be far worse than any of us could have anticipated.

Notice how you see signs of a potential black hole opening up in the middle of the Pacific. This, as well as the spontaneous revival of a huge, extinct shark known as - the megalodon. In addition to these threats, you'll see continent-sized spiders that are actually capable of eating their own meta-data. My expertise is not in carto-biology, but this just can't be good.

As you've probably gathered from this analysis, we can confirm that most of the population of the West Coast will be extremely at risk and dead in the next few years.

Okay, fine, I'm scared. What can I do??

Fortunately, there is some non-ionizing light at the end of this tunnel.

I've put together some steps and precautions that you and your loved ones can take to protect yourself from the fallout of this tragedy, or at least prolong your short life here.

1. Wash your hands frequently

When radiation gets on your skin, it will seep into your pores and make you grow elephant warts on your butthole.

The best thing you can do is wash with soap and hot water to eliminate any radiation you've picked up in your disgusting life.

2. Think positive thoughts

It's important to keep optimistic and inspire others with hope, as I've done with this viral inspirational quote coupled with soothing imagery:

3. Buy a lead ping pong paddle.

Lead cancels out radiation. That's why you wear a lead vest when you get x-rays. When a radiation particle collides with a lead particle, they coagulate together to form water. Again, I'm no chemist, but I think this is the equation:

Pb + Cs¹³⁷ => H₂O

So you should aways keep a lead ping pong paddle on you at all times in case you see deadly radiation coming at you, you can smack it away.

"How do I know if it's good radiation or bad radiation?"

All radiation is bad radiation. Just look at the word - radiation. It even sounds evil. Avoid all of it. Especially microwave radiation, that's most dangerous.

Here is a courageous woman heroically deflecting radiation away from the American Flag.

Or would it be "heroineoically?" How come heroes can do something heroic, but heroines also do things heroic? Heroinic? How heroinironic.

Note: It is not recommended to use a lead tennis racket. These have small holes which tiny enough radiation particles can simply go right through.

Seems like common sense, I know..
but some people are stupid.

On a similar note, most fish will be radioactive, so if you do decide to eat fish, eat it with lead.

5. Masturbate vigorously and often

Radiation builds up inside human organs, particularly in the precarious testicle membranes. By masturbating 3 or 9 times per day, you are flushing out the radioactive ions that have built up in your dangly bits.

Admittedly, this is a bit of "pseudo science" and hasn't been objectively proven. But whatever, I don't care. I'd do it even if it was proven to be harmful to me. Hell, if jerking off created cesium-137 in my junk I'd still do it 5 times per day. Yolo. Right?

Wrong.

So whip it out.

5. Wear cologne

It's pretty much proven that cologne helps men get laid. And with doomsday on the horizon, that's probably what your goal should be. And if you think cologne won't help you, you're mistaken. It is scientifically proven that a man who does not wear cologne every day is bush league.

Ya know what else is scientifically proven? Radiation.

Mankind knows a shitfuckton about radiation, yet people act like it's some undetectable magic force that mysteriously kills life on contact. Like we as a species are clueless about what it is and it's anyone's guess how to stop it.

All week I've been seeing my friends and family get freaked out by this Fukushima nonsense and I'm tired of it. If you're afraid of radiation, step 1: Learn what radiation is. If you're still concerned about it, step 2: Buy a geiger counter. They're like $100, and you can hold it up to every piece of fish you ever eat and realize nothing is wrong.

Also, there's no "conspiracy." The government can't "cover up" something we can accurately measure. Imagine how dumb the moon landing conspiracy would be if you could buy forged-photograph-of-the-moon-o-meter. It'd look even more retarded than it already does.

Fukumisha is (currently) harmless as a dead rat in a freezer. Right now, anyway. We'll see what happens when they start snapping spent fuel rods and cause a nuclear detonation like what happened in Chernobyl.

Actually, there was no nuclear detonation in Chernobyl. A nuclear detonation is literally impossible in a nuclear power plant (not even kidding). To think nuclear power plants threaten nuclear explosions is as retarded as thinking that, because water is used as rocket fuel, that a swimming pool could potentially explode. Fact - there never has been and there never will be a nuclear detonation in a nuclear power plant. So remove that thought from your world view.

Also, you smell bad. Seriously, wear cologne.