We need special neighborhoods for post-developmentally disabled people.
How come if you stop developing at age 5, you're considered developmentally disabled and get put in a special part of the school. But if you stop developing at 17, nobody forces you into a special part of town to be with other post-developmentally disabled adults?
We need special neighborhoods - sections of cities that are walled off where adults who stopped developing in high school can go and be douchebags and try to impress each other and pick fights and other bullshit waste-of-time shit like that.
"A 5-year old can't function in society. Once you're 18, you can function in society."
Just because someone can function in society doesn't mean they belong in society. I've been in a few boats. I could function as a charter boat captain. I'd get families home safely sometimes. That doesn't mean I belong as a charter boat captain.
Sure, post-developmentally disabled people can function in society. And they do function in society - they function as the douchebags of society. They come into the world and behave like insecure self-righteous high school kids. Which was cool in high school, because they were in high school. Now that they're not in high school anymore, that behavior is fucking obnoxious.
Something happens between the age of 14 and 18 where your #1 priority in life becomes trying to be cool. Depending on what group you hang out with. If it's athletes, you try to be cool the athletic way. If it's smart people, you try to be cool the smart way. Which is fine in high school. They have their own little world that's away from mine. And then the goal of college is to ease that desire to be cool out of people. But some never give it up. They're 35 years old and still trying to be cool and impress their friends.
I hate when people try to be an "alpha male" type. I'm done with you. Get out of my life. Get in the fucking special neighborhood. They're fucking primates. They're people who played football in high school, and never grew out of that dominant aggressive mentality. Now, in college, they don't play sports anymore. Now they just sit around playing beer pong and poker. Which are two activities that, sadly they exist, are even dumber than football. These people participate in these games with a typical loud jock meathead fashion -"BEER PONG! YEAH! POKER! FUCK YEAH! BEER PONG AND POKER!"
I call these people Nates. Because they're always named Nate. You hear them talking to someone named Nate about the crazy night before where their other friend Nate did some crazy shit. "Dude, Nate, check this out. Last night, Nate was like.. FUCKED UP.. and I mean FUCKED UP. We were playing beer pong.. and he went up to Nate and fuckin' just punched him RIGHT.. in the FUCKING.. NECK. And so Nate ran up and he was like.. BEER PONG! YEAH. POKER. THIS IS ALL I THINK ABOUT!`FUCK YEAH. POKER! BEER PONG! YEAH!"
Blah blah blah. Nates and their stupid dumb episodes of poker and beer pong. They try so hard to be the dumbest motherfuckers. They actually compete to see who can get drunk and behave dumbest and brag about how dumb they were the night before and how much dumber they're going to be tonight and fuck some hot Natress. A Natress is a female Nate who has little to no control over her own vagina and her tribal primate instincts just flare up all the time and she fucks whatever alpha-male type guy happens to beat his chest hardest at that party.
Those are the high school jocks who never got over trying to be the biggest, most dominant, most alpha, most coolest motherfucker in the land. Then there's the "smart" kids who never got over trying to be the smartest, most hip, most educated motherfucker in the land. And there's absolutely no difference between the two.
It was cool to try to be smart in high school. Well, not "cool," but it was acceptable. To try to be the smartest and most educated. In college, it gets to the level of obnoxious. Because anyone who keeps that attitude in college just gets more self-absorbed. Anywhere past college, it's more pathetic than obnoxious. Get out of my life. You're worthless. There is no excuse for having a blowhard attitude anywhere past age 22. Just give it up. Please. Nobody gives a fuck how smart you are. Unless you work for them. You don't have to know the answer to everything for people to like you.
They usually talk really loud so that all the other customers sitting around can hear how smart they are. And if it's a girl, she'll have a low, masculine voice and be saying, "Catcher in the Rye is a lovely book. Truly one of the greatest literary pieces of all time." And if someone dares say, "You read that in high school too, huh?" She'll go, "Hmmm yes I believe I may have initially been introduced to that novel in high school, yes." Good! Let me introduce you to your new neighborhood!
Pretty much what it comes down to is anyone who uses the word "frequent" as a verb. Off you go.
And anyone who wears a "side bag thing." What is the point of those? It's a terribly unbalanced backpack is what it is. I don't get it. It's a fucking scoliosis bag is what it is. Are they supposed to make you look smart? Like.. "Fuck backpacks, backpacks are for children. Look at how crooked my grandpa's spine is, and he's wise as fuck. His back looks like his dad was Dr. Suess."
They just hate the idea that they might actually be stupid. And they're constantly trying to let the world know - "Hey, I am NOT stupid!" Just like Nates are letting the world know - "Hey, I am NOT a weakling who gets no chicks at all because I'm probably gay but I'll KICK YOUR FUCKIN ASS AT BEER PONG BITCH!"
Ya know what's weird though? Both blowhards and Nates have their fall-back excuse for everything. For Nates, it's being drunk. "Oh man, did I really touch your dick last night? Oh man, I was sooo drunk." That's their excuse - being drunk. Blowhards, it's the same thing, but with being tired. "Oh man, did I not be able to answer that philosophical question accurately? Oh man, I was sooo tired." Then there's the "I was sooo stoned" excuse which crosses both boundaries. Because stoners are like social chameleons who can weave in and out of either group because they're so harmless and drugged out. They make Nates feel powerful and blowhards feel smart.
Try this sometime. Make up some fake name for a novel. Like "The Recluse Tide" or some bullshit like that. And ask a blowhard, "Hey, speaking of books, would you recommend The Recluse Tide? Is it good?" They'll either pretend to know what you're talking about or change the subject completely. "Oh, ya know what book you should read is The Stranger by Albert Camus." Sometimes they get really defensive. They'll feel totally threatened. Like their entire life is under seige by the forces of stupidity that someone could possibly know something they don't. They'll get so absurdly out-of-control defensive.
"Have you read the Recluse tide?"
"No. Sounds like A Brave New World. Have you read that?"
"Yes"
"Hmm have you read.. 1984?"
"Yes"
"Hmm have you read To Kill a Mocking Bird?"
"Yes"
"Hmm have you read The Night?"
"Yes"
"Hmm have you read Watership Down?"
"No"
"OH MY GOD YOU HAVEN'T? WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? OH MY GOD. I CANT BELIEVE YOU HAVEN'T READ WATERSHIP FUCKING DOWN. HOLY SHIT. WHAT? DO YOU HAVE WATERSHIP DOWNS SYNDROME? ARE YOU A FUCKING RETARD? LITTLE CUTE RETARDED BOY, DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING NITWIT UNEDUCATED UNCULTURED PIECE OF TRASH? ARENT YOU ASHAMED TO BE ALIVE? WHY HAVEN'T YOU KILLED YOURSELF YET?
That's what post-developmentally disabled people consider to be an intimate and meaningful conversation.
Back to the neighborhoods idea. So.. we section off a huge neighborhood of each major city. Then we host a huge beer pong/poker tournament. Then all the Nates will flock there. And all the Natresses will follow with their chest flopping up and down because they still stuff their bras at age 24. Then we throw in twenty hip cool coffee shops filled with books by authors whose names are difficult to pronounce which blowhards love because they get to correct anyone who pronounces them incorectly. That'll draw in all the people who have nothing to offer the world except for letting us all know how cool they are, along with their fat numbskull boyfriends who agree with everything they say and compliment their big ironic glasses and eat out their flapping yeasty vagina while she talks about an article in Scientific American that she read a paragraph of three months ago.
And once we get all these post-developmentally disabled adults into special neighborhoods, then we start systematically hauling them off by the thousands on smelly trains to labor camps where we make them do strenuous 16 hour per day labor for no pay. And we feed them basically nothing. And once their slavory potential is used up, we burn them. Or gas them. I don't care. Napalm or lasers or whatever high class methods we have nowadays that we didn't in the 40s. I don't know why I mentioned the 40s just now.. That was not in reference to anything. But yeah, let's do it. Who's with me.
Which is fucking annoying because I know that the only people who like this idea or find it funny or interesting are the ones who belong in that neighborhood. Everyone else is like "WTF is this nazi talking about?" Sigh.
Last updated November 2nd, 2009