The Humane Society of the US
spent $20,000,000 to kill a fish.

Keiko, the killer whale that starred in the three "Free Willy" movies was freed, but died soon after. The HSUS (Humane Society of the United States) forced it upon him to go. They claimed that they knew what was best for the whale despite the lack of any evidence showing he wanted to be freed.

The process of sending Keiko into the wild failed several times. The first of which, he was found in a harbor performing tricks. If that wasn't an obvious sign that he wanted his old life back, I don't know what would be. These "experts" are so narrow-minded with their cause that Keiko could have grown legs, knocked on Sea World's door with an employment application, and the activists would still think he wanted to live in the wild. It's that bad.

Two Years Later..

Keiko should never have been freed. The "animals don't belong in captivity" argument that activists pull only works when the animal is initially captured. Once in captivity for twenty years, you don't send a whale into its natural habitat. That is absurd. It would be like buying a kitten, raising it in your home, and dropping it off in a forest when it's fifteen.

The story ends with Keiko getting desperate for human companionship, washing up on a beach, and ultimately dying of disease. Way to go, "Humane" Society, you spent $20,000,000 to free a fish and consequently killed it.

I have an idea: If you want to spend twenty million dollars on freeing an animal, pick me. I am a much better candidate than Keiko because unlike him, I actually want to be freed from my crappy habitat.

I am a human, and humans are animals, and I want to be freed from my miserable town and dead-end job. I hate all my friends and I want out of here. Do me a favor. Hell, I don't even need twenty million bucks, I'll take two or nineteen if you got it. I'll run off to the ocean in a heart beat; probably some tropical island off of Hawaii. Anyway, I think I am a prime animal to save. Plus, I'm awesome, and awesome people are extremely endangered.

So, if you have any pull in a non-profit animal rights organization, do the right thing and hook this animal up. Did I mention my last name is Savage? That's right, I'm a god damn beast, now gimme the cash so I can be freed from my horribly cold and depressing habitat called Montana.

Last updated January 5th, 2004