Dirty restaurants that are built over rivers.

Here is a list of the all-time dirtiest restaurants that were built above rivers:

#1.Finnegans

The name Finnegans is local to two cities in Montana, but I know every town out there has an equivilent to Finnegans. Do you have a Finnegans in your town? Here is the criteria:

- Open 24 hours
- Dirty food
- High prices
- All your loser friends hang out there
- You can go in without shoes and nobody will care
- Hey, I rhymed. That was cool. I should write a song.

Unlike most of the Finnegans-like restaurants in the world, this particular one in Missoula, Montana is built over a river. How they got the zoning for that to pass, I don't know. I have no doubt that a million salmon objected at the city council meeting because the restaurant would have to be rezoned from aquatic residential to dirty restaurant. I can't imagine someone sitting there thinking, "Hmm... I want to open a dirty restaurant. Why don't I built it on top of a river?" There really is no better adjective to describe Finnegans than dirty. I'll even scan the menu to give you a better idea:

When you order something, the cook goes out back with a shovel, scoops up a pile of compost, throws it on a plate, hands it to the waiter who spits it, and dumps the plate face-down on your table. You eat it, of course, because you're hungry and have no other options. The waiter comes to hand you the bill with a chuckle. That's right, you just spent $15 on dirt. You're a fucking loser.

The only half-decent thing to order at these restaurants is a grilled cheese.

- It's bread and cheese. No cook can screw that up.
- The bread is sealed shut, so if there's spit in there, you'll never know.
- It will only cost you half your paycheck.
- If it tastes like crap, which it will, you won't be too sad because not much went to waste.
- There are millions of starving people in Ethiopia and they're stealing all our jobs.

The problem with these restaurants is that the management strives for a classy atmosphere, but when it doesn't happen, they blame the customers. Finnegans doesn't suck because it's overrun by college students, insomniac high school kids, and crazy old men who ramble on about how they married Paris Hilton and traveled to Mars and jupiter to eliminate the good witch and the bad witch. The place sucks because they charge a lot of money for disgusting food. One time I accidentally ordered seafood. Big mistake. I spent 2 hours on the crapper. When the shit pumper failed to pump the shit funnel, I let it overflow all over the bathroom and walked out in disgust.

Managers don't realize this. Instead of working at their desk and finding better ways to run their business, they lurk around the dining room trying to find a reason to kick people like me out. I come in and the manager sits down at the table next to me. He pretends he's talking to someone, but I know he's waiting for me to make a wrong move so he can 86 my ass out for good. I got kicked out of Finnegans for 6 months because my friend unscrewed the salt shaker lid. Either that or it was because I ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, beamed the bus boy in the face with it, and ran out. I don't understand why that would get me kicked out. Nobody cares about bus boys. Everyone is so uptight nowadays. Nobody lets anyone have any fun.

If I were waiting tables and some kids were being loud and obnoxious, I wouldn't make them leave. Instead, I'd make everyone else in the restaurant leave so that the kids can have their fun without being distracted by uptight ugly people staring at them and complaining to me every time I walk by, "Excuthe me, Mr. Waiter Sir.. the occupants of that table are"..."Shut the fuck up. It's not my fault that they're having fun and you aren't. Just eat your food, tip me 25%, and leave." Waiting tables is such a pain in the ass. I need a car. I really should get a job at Finnegans so I can at least make some money while I waste my time there.

No matter how much I hate Finnegans, I just can't keep away from that place. I don't know what's wrong with me. I need to see an addiction therapist so I can cut the habit. Maybe they can get me to replace Finnegans with a less dangerous addiction... like smoking. I'd choose a cancer stick over a Finnegans corned beef hash any day of the week. All cigarettes do is give a guy cancer. That's a common cold compared to the mental and physical trauma that Finnegans imposes on the human psych.

Last updated July 21st, 2004