Build your own ferret.
Pre-built ferrets are expensive because you have to pay the pet distributor for assembly. The price of a ferret ranges from US $75 to $250. You can plan on another $200-$1000 for shipping fees (cages, food, airfare, etc...), plus at least $150 for the first batch of mandatory vaccinations. That is why you should learn how to build your own ferret from scratch. If it dies or runs away, simply make a new one without worrying about being gypped out of another paycheck. This is all you need:
If you strongly oppose animal cruelty, feed the rodent some alcohol to numb its senses. Luckily, the critter will not feel any pain if you keep it nice and drunk. When the procedure is over, it will thank you.
First, bind the rat's legs together. Then wedge its front paws into something so that it can dangle freely. If you have to, tie them together and drape the thing over a hook or clothesline. If your neighbors catch on, threaten to repeat the procedure with their children.
Tie one end of the string to the bowling ball and one to the rat's hind legs. If you have the luxury, start with a ten pound ball and work your way up. Nobody wants the rat's spinal chord telescoping and rat guts spilling everywhere. Once everything is set up, let the process take care of itself.
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After 12 Hours: It will still look like a rat, but don't lose hope. If the squealing keeps you up at night, knock it unconscious with a small rock hammer. The process still works even while the rat is unconscious. |
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After 72 hours: You should start seeing some noticeable elongation of the rat's body and limbs. It will still maintain the original girth because its spinal chord is still intact. Ferrets don't have spinal chords. Instead, they have putty-like cartilage that allows them to swindle around like a slinky little weasels. |
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After 1-2 weeks: The arms and legs should be longer and the torso will look slender and long. If the pseudo-ferret looks like it's going to die, feed it crack. |
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After 3 weeks: Your ferret is finally ripe and ready for affection. For additional body length**, keep it hung for another week.
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** If you overextend your ferret, its stomach will droop down and drag along the ground while it walks. This comes in handy for lazy owners. Instead of mopping floors, you can dunk your pet in a bleach solution and let it loose.
For best results, feed it speed. The rest is up to you; feel free to experiment and use your imagination. Good luck.
Note: If your ferret looks like this, you've done something wrong. Start over.
Last updated March 25th, 2004