How farmers can boost their profit by giving cancer to cows.

Farmers could make a lot more money off their livestock if they gave their animals giant tumors. It would be efficient and easy. Cows are dumber than humans, and juding by how easily humans get hooked on nicotine, cows should be no trouble.

I read a story about a 15 pound tumor that was taken out of a woman's side. She weighed 155 pounds before and 140 after. That means the cancer was 10% of her body weight. Imagine if a farmer could increase all of its cattle's girth by 10% just by giving it cigarettes. Profit would grow substantially.

The average cow weighs 1000 pounds and is sold for $1/pound. If its weight were to be increased by 10%, that would be an additional $100 per cow. Similar results would be seen in pigs, sheep, and all other livestock. Maybe even fruit. Several tropical fruit farmers have already caught onto this technique.

Take mangos for example. Mangos are one of the biggest kinds of fruit but contain the least amount of actual food. This way farmers can charge top dollar for size and weight without losing much product. In Montana, mangos cost $2 but have an edible portion equal to one ten cent grape. In fact, mangos are just grapes that smoked all their lives and developed a giant tumor in the middle.

There is one drawback to giving commodities cancer. Cigarettes potentially cause disease. We've alread seen disease spread in cows. If farmers keep feeding nicotine and tar to grapes, we might just get an outbreak of mad grape disease. I think it should be called "mad mango disease" because that sounds cooler.

I don't know much about farming, but I think it would be profitable to give cancer to everything. Except chickens. Chickens kick way too much ass to be plagued. If I were a chicken, I'd be pissed if a farmer gave me a cigarette. I'd be like, "What the crap are you tryin' pull, Joe?" Then I'd peck him in the eye, pack up my feed and go find a new coop to kick it in. I'd make an awesome chicken.

Last updated February 15th, 2004