How can we end the US budget crisis and prevent a global shut-down?

Our country is doomed and something must be done because this is fucking serious. We are facing total complete shut down. Do you realize how crazy that is? I'm seriously freaking out here, as you should be too. This is the tipping point where we as educated citizens are now obligated to tell the government, "Okay guys, enough is enough. We didn't want to get involved, but now we have to." It is that time.

Here is the issue how I see it - the Republicans are so steadfast in their cause to end abortion that they are exploiting an economic whirlpool that they themselve started as a means to cut funding from Planned Parenthood despite the fact that Planned Parenthood costs very little. And it's causing both sides to tread water and no agreements to be made. Every second that goes by is a loss for both parties, and for us. We need to turn the focus away from abortion and towards major issues like the subsidies for big oil companies. Got it?

I've spent a lot of time talking about this with some really smart people and we've arrived at a decent solution to solve the problem.

In case you don't know, Dana Loesch is the Tea Party's lead spokeperson on abortion issues.

She was assigned the task of heading up the entire "Cut funding for Planned Parenthood" movement. Okay? Here is the plan -

We must impregnate Dana Loesch and then convince her to get an abortion. I don't know how or why. I'm a strategist, not a tactician. But since you asked, I will do it.

I volunteer to have highly unprotected sex with Dana Loesch. Once pregnant, her and I will have "the talk," and I will win.

This is important - I want to make it crystal clear that I am doing this out of responsibility for my country and not out of personal gain or any kind of little puppydog crush I have on Dana-banana ;). I only say this because it might leak to the press that I gave her a massage beforehand. That was only to relax her to increase the chance of inception.

And by inception, I do not mean that I will drug her on a plane and use technology to infiltrate her REM state and impregnate her mental uterus to subsonciously influence her waking brain to be my baby-mama. Though that's not a bad idea, we just don't have the technology for it yet. Plus, what if she has issues and her mental perception of her own vagina is a cactus. Then I have to dreamfuck a cactus, and that is beyond my obligation as a civilian. Plus, even if we did have the technology, I would have to fuck Dana, then go into her dream and fuck dream-Dana, then go another level in and fuck dreaming dream-Dana. Essentially going in and out of her mind and her vagina at the same time. That would be an elegant solution. We don't have that luxury right now. We just need the problem solved.

You might be wondering how this project will be funded. Don't worry. I will insist that we split the cost of the abortion 50/50 because I fucking hate when girls expect the guy to pay all of it. You were drunk too bitch! You slept with me because I bought you dinner which is all good, but now I have to pay for the resulting damages too? That's like taking a new car on a drunk driving binge and asking the car dealer to pay for the damage. Fuck that noise, it makes no sense. I'm an old fashioned kind of guy. I'm here to show a girl a good time, but unless aborting a child is an intimate part of your romantic experience, we're splitting it.

So you don't have to worry. I have it all covered. I have spent many lonely nights planning this whole mission out in my head in every detail and I need you to trust that I am completely goal-oriented. If you are concerned that I am doing this because I find her attractive, I will prove that is not the case by doing her mostly from behind. I swear - I do not find any of Dana's beliefs or values to be attractive.

All I need is - a date. Someone out there be a patriot and rise to the challenge of finding Dana's home number and scheduling me a date with her and I will do the rest. After she is pregnant, I don't know. We'll take it from there. Maybe leverage her hypocricy against the party. I don't know, we'll see when we get there. And yes, I will probably Tea-bag her, but not as a subtle joke to her party affiliation, but because teabagging power-ups my spermies. Let's do this.

Last updated April 8th, 2011