Why is a pack of wolves in New York City?
Movies nowadays are ridiculous. They make action happen all the time. If something can go wrong, it does. In The Day After Tomorrow, a group of teenagers can't even walk around in New York City without being attacked by wolves. Wolves in New York City? The director must have been stoned off his mind. Let's pretend for a moment that a pack of wolves just happened to be freely roaming around in New York city. Now how did these creatures survive the flash flood that covered Manhattan in fifty feet of water? It makes no sense. The whole scene was added to put people on the edge of their seats. I was on the edge of my seat shitting on the theatre floor for screening such a shitty film.
The special effects were okay, but that was cancelled out by the snobbish girl who was casted as that "snooty bitch" role. After watching her giant mouth piss and moan for an hour and a half, I won't be able to get it up until the day after tomorrow.
The big dramatic component was a dad trying to get to his son who was stuck in a Library. The dad takes two of his friends to "rescue" his son. Once the son is found, the storm clears and everyone is rescued. So what was the point of walking 100 miles to find his son? What was he planning on doing when he got there? They would just sit around and eat up all their food, waiting for the rescue team to come. The dad finding the kid did not aid in his rescue at all.
Every apocolyptic thriller since Armageddon has gone like this:
The first scene has some ordinary people in the middle of nowhere doing their job when an unexpected event happens and at least one black male dies.
After that dramatic death scene of disposable characters, the screen goes black and BOOM, the title hits:
Then comes the character introduction portion. They introduce the characters one at a time as they live their normal lives. This is before anybody knows that the apocolypse is at hand. There's the main "leader" character who gives orders and yells a lot. There's the book-smart guy, the little kid genius type. Last, and least, there's the female.
Each character gets a five minute segment that builds their personality and importance by showing them doing something genius in their field. In the woman's case, it's usually a scene with her husband to prove to the audience that she's not a lesbian.
There is often a lunatic who serves the purpose of comic relief. Also so that later in the movie, he can go crazy and jeopardize the mission - creating tension by adding an unexpected twist.
Remember the "New Guy" from The Core? What a shitty character. "Derr.. your kung fu is weak, I want pop tart while I hack. Derrr." What a little fag. He's the kind of kid I beat over the face regularly.
Also there's the wise man who talks too slow and comes off as the veteran. "Oh, back in my time, we saw many o' them s-s-s-seahorses but they were n-never th-that big and n-never that gay. I can't recall where though." "Oh professor," the girl will reply, "You must remember! It is vital to our mission!" Blah blah blah. Everything is so predictable.
After all the characters have been introduced and their genius proven, Tokyo gets demolished.
In every apocolyptic movie, Japan is always the first place to get fucked up. Whether it's meteors or hail storms or rabid toasters, Tokyo gets the shaft before any other city.
Then a black guy comes in with the comedy relief, "Dayamn, I aint seen no seahorse dat big befo.. das some creepy shiet, brotha!" Right as the seahorse comes and eats him.
Rising action, increasing tragedy, chaos, then "ONLY ONE CHANCE TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM THESE GAY SEAHORSES!!!" The elite team of geniuses gather and risk their lives to save the planet. Who gives a shit? Fuck the world. I wouldn't care if the real world got blown to pieces by a giant chunk of frozen alien shit. And I really REALLY could care less if a 3D rendered earth blows up on a two dimensional screen. Fuck 'em. If I wrote a screenplay, it would be called The Day Before Tomorrow.
THE DAY BEFORE TOMORROW!
(Lights dim, queue soft music)
(White background, man walks onto screen)
Man: Hello. Do you know what the day before tomorrow is? That's right, it's today! And you're wasting it in a smelly theater next to a dirty tramp who would suck your dick even if you didn't buy her a ticket to this god-awful film. It's a nice day outside and I'm going to go sail on my yacht that was paid for by you, the American public, who worked 5 hours at McDonalds so you could afford to watch a movie made by fake actors with fake emotions and fake tears. Bye now.
(Queue credits)
Last updated November 16th, 2004