There are better things to do than play Counterstrike.
Counterstrike sucks because most of the time playing it is wasted scratching my nuts waiting. The game wastes so much time. Not in the battles, but in reinstalling it every time I die. The first time I played, I got shot in the face by a guy from Madrid, and I got pissed off and uninstalled it. Then I reinstalled it a few hours later when I was calm. Then got killed again, uninstalled in a rage, reinstalled, uninstalled, ten times every day. It's such an awful thing.
I'd say I waste at least six hours per week watching Counterstrike install. It's a huge waste of time that I could spend doing other things like
- Sleeping
- Fishing
-
Deactivating robots
- Watching more interesting loading bars like this one I made (as an example, not because I enjoyed it).
Plus, now whenever I meet someone from Russia, I get terrified and run away.
One of my biggest concerns with Counterstrike is that it puts me at risk of getting STDs in my mouth.
When players die in CS, they becomes ghosts that hover around being bored. During this time I usually scratch my balls and eat potato chips. Often I'll subconsciously do it with the same hand, bringing whatever is down there up here. It's like an inter-viral drug cartel going on under my nose and they're using my keyboard as the middleman.
When I get sniped in the forehead by coked out Russian children, I would rather have battles with other ghosts and torment the people still in the game than wake up the next day with AIDS on my teeth.
I propose players be given the option when they die of becoming either a ghost, a zombie, or a wombat. Ghosts haunt the players and zombies run around tormenting babies (also that I propose we put in the game). That'd be pretty cool, but who the hell would choose to be a wombat? That is a very dumb feature. Why the hell did Neversoft add wombats into a FPS terrorist game? That's retarded.
Oh yeah, and there should definitely be innocent bystanders everywhere. Playing would be much more fun if I could toss grenades at mothers with children walking their German shephards who they bathed and crimped earlier that day.
Maybe if Counterstrike had bystanders, I'd get some kills. As the game is now, I don't stand a chance. Looking back, I've never actually killed anyone. I'm always hanging out on the bottom of the score like a suckerfish. I'm like the bottomfeeder of first person shooters. I try to justify it by saying I sacrifice myself by taking one for the team, but I usually take more like 30 for the team and never accomplish anything.
My greatest glory in Counterstrike comes when somebody on my team gets a negative score by killing themself and I move up in the ranking. That's when I really get cocky and talk major shit. I get to use my awesome line, "Another one bites the dust2." Man that's cool. I wish I were good at Counterstrike so I could use that more often.
Bah. It's all dumb anyway. Counterstrike basically sucks. It's such an old game. I don't know why people still play it. There's just so many flaws in the gameplay and engine and everything, but most of all, Counterstrike sucks for one reason:
The box doesn't look like this:
One of the strangest things I've found in the game is the bombing locations. First of all, if terrorists are going to go in and paint red bomb targets, why not just drop the bomb there instead. That would save a step or two. Secondly, what psychotic terrorist organization bombs sewers?
There is nothing that could possibly be in those crates that's important enough to waste tax money saving.
Then I got to thinking how the game designers interviewed real terrorists to get the game as accurate as possible. I thought, with all this sewage talk, that maybe there was an error in the translation. Bomb.. shit.. bomb.. poop.. crap.. bomb. Ya know?
See! They're not counter-terrorists, they're constipationists.
That's probably the case.
Although.. I also have one more small theory I've been tossing around in my head.
I propose that the red targets in maps were painted there by Banana Republic to indicate where banana shipments get dropped off on Tuesdays. When that happens, monkeys who were hidden in barrels come out and eat fruit.
They hide in barrels at the banana drop point, then they come out at dusk and feed.
The monkeys in barrels slip everywhere on the peels and fall and it hurts them because they're so sunburned. Then they start blaming eachother and getting pissed off. Thats when the shooting starts.
It makes sense to me anyway.
Last updated March 21st, 2006