Conditioning your hair only does one thing - gets conditioner out of your hair. It's an absolutely pointless product. You might as well shampoo your hair twice to save time opening bottles.
Our culture is fixed on the assumption that everything printed on a shiny label is true. The media tells us to smear gue on our heads every morning and we do so without questioning. Well I'm sick of it, and I intend to stop this madness.
Hair care corporations market their conditioners by putting verbose phrases on labels to make us believe that their products do magical things once they touch strands of dead cells. Things like -
"Enriched with nourishing essential oils to protect and maintain the natural appearance of your hair."
Why would anybody buy a product that makes something natural? If you want something to stay natural, don't do anything to it, hence being natural.
"Pro-Vitamin B5 gently cleanses and revitalizes hair."
Isn't a hair product that cleanses called "shampoo?"
And how gently something cleanses depends on how it's applied. If it's launched at my scalp with a firehose and then rubbed in with sandpaper, it's not going to be very gentle.
Plus, if humans have the technology to revitalize dead skin, how come you never hear about doctors dumping conditioner on dead babies? I never even knew hair even had vital signs to revitalize. Does that mean that if I put conditioner on a bearskin rug that it will come alive? Fuck that and fuck bears coming alive. I hate bears.
"Hydrolyzed soy protein penetrates the hair shaft."
Soy this and soy that. The salespeople for soy are kicking some ass. Pretty soon everything will have a soy substitute. Even for soy. We will have soy soy milk. "Soy soy milk - the alternative to soy milk.
"Hydrolyzed soy dildo penetrates the hairy shaft."
"Provides hair with maximum health and shine."
Apparently the people down at Pantene Pro-V aren't devout Christians.
To prove that conditioner is a scam, I conducted a research experiment in which I placed volunteers in controlled laboratories and did tests on their hair with and without the use of conditioner.
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Does conditioner |
I found three volunteers who swore on the fucking bible that they had never used conditioner before. I took a photo of them before and once after using conditioner for three months.
Here is female test subject #1:
As you can see, there is no difference in her hair after three months of daily conditioner use.
When interviewed about her opinion of conditioner, test subject #1 replied:
Next, a male subject.
Again, this man's hair clearly did not change in any way over the course of the three months. This further proves that the product is inert and exploits those who put blind faith in the hair care industry.
When interviewed about how he felt after using conditioner for three months, test subject #3 said:
The third subject is a hair from my ex girlfriend's bush that I've kept all these years for sentimental value:
As you can see, there is no difference after three months of applying conditioner. No revitalizing, no reanimation, and no soy anything found.
After being interviewed about the experience, the pubic hair said:
In conclusion, nothing. I have concluded nothing in any of this. Fuck hair. I'm just bitter because I began balding at age 13. By the time I was 18 I could have had chemotherapy and nobody would notice anything different. Seriously. I make Patrick Stewart look like Repunzel.
Last updated April 22nd, 2006