I decided to be a comedian.

I'm here in Toronto - Canada's Hollywood. And I've been going to a lot of standup comedy shows lately.

They all suck at maximum intensity. Every single show I go to is ten assholes lined up backstage. Each one comes out and wastes my precious eardrum vibrations talking about their boring lives and telling shitty relationship stories. If these comedians were a vacuum, it would be on the floor setting, not rug. Or something like that. Yeah, that was dumb. See, listening to these guys is even making me less funny.

That's not a bad drawing. It's accurate. The comedians in Toronto are that deformed and disproportionate. And most of them only have four fingers. So I finger.. er.. figure, hey - I could go up there and clean house.. with my vacuum set on floor setting (that's called a callback for you non-comedian folk. So laugh because it was funny.). And I don't even have to be that good. I could stand on stage and read a dictionary in monotone and it would be funnier than these hacks that get up there on a nightly basis year after year. Most comedians suck because all they do is stand up and tell jokes one after another like arrogant dickheads and expect people to be entertained. That might have been okay back in the 80's, but nowadays people require something different.

I'm going to stop updating this site because I'm sick of it. It's been two years and I'm fairly certain that I've made my point. What was my point? I can't even remember. The hate mail was interesting and fun at first, now it's boring and dull. That's why I don't update much anymore, I feel like I'm being held down by a has-been online hero who is too busy writing books and attending business meetings with Hollywood bigwigs to give the internet any love anymore.

So here's my summarized agenda.

#1. Become comedian.
#2. Did you know that when squirrels are chasing each other, it's not male chasing female for a mate. It's male chasing male. The male squirrels try to bite the other male's genitals off so they aren't competition for the females. True fact. Squirrel females are generally sluts and don't need to be chased. Kind of like Canadian women. Anyway...
#4. Screen print some new badass shirts that rule because the chicken shirts blew ass crevice and didn't make any sense.
#5. Bite off attractive men's genitals.
#6. Seek out Canadian trash and exploit her vagina.
#7. I guess that's it. This update was kind of overly happy and optimistic and shitty and not funny, so here's a joke I invented.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?

Answer: uhh I don't know, I never got that far. But that's funny enough, it doesn't need a punchline. I say screw punchlines. And lightbulbs. Screw lightbulbs. Man I'm cocky and stupid.

Last updated October 31st, 2005