All you need to know about Christmas.
Why doesn't anybody like Christmas?
Nobody likes Christmas because they get wrapped up in the stress of buying gifts, seeing annoying lights, and listening to the music. However, it really isn’t about that. Christmas actually has its own meaning and purpose, and we’re losing the true virtue and joy of Christmas, which is getting drunk.
How can I have a better Christmas?
To have a more spiritual holiday season, every time you go out, think to yourself, “Would Jesus approve of what I’m doing?” For stoners, this is a given because we all know Jesus toked up. So remember, you're always safe with that.
Why do we decorate trees?
I have no idea, but I do know that Jesus would not be very happy about that. Our savior was a hippie, and there is just no way he would approve if millions of trees were cut down each year to be mocked for a few weeks and then thrown away. Decorating them is like saying, “Hey tree, you’re not pretty enough in your natural state. The brilliant craftsmanship of nature has failed you. Here's some tinsel.” It's the same as telling a girl she needs makeup. Even if a tree is perfectly fine with its physical appearance, it still has to go through the painful suffering and embarrassment of Christmas.
Trees don't even look good in a house. That's not where they belong. I don't see animals sticking furniture out in the wild and throwing lights and ornaments on it. Getting a tree is expensive, time consuming, pointless, and against everything Jesus would stand for if he were alive today.
Where did the idea of giving presents come from?
Jesus came home one day to find everybody partied out and depressed about winter. He started divvying out his drugs into small baggies and giving them to his friends in hope that it would cheer them up. To prevent god from seeing his son dealing, Jesus put paper around the baggies to hide the contents. That’s where wrapping presents comes from.
Important tip: Make sure to let people know what gifts you want or else they'll get you a spatula. If you happen to want a spatula, you have it easy: just don't say anything.
What are you doing for Christmas (because everything revolves around me)?
I have to go visit my family for a few weeks, which is a real pain in the ass. Family get-togethers are such a strange phenomenon: not a single person wants to be there, yet they’re all there. It’s incredible. My relatives are alright though, they pretend like they care about my existence and that’s admirable. So anyway, remember what I said, smoke trees, don't decorate them, and have a holly jolly Christmas.
Last updated December 22nd, 2003