Where am I going to sleep?

The college year is over. I moved out of my room in the campus residence. I'm too broke to rent a place and I'm definitely too broke to buy a plane ticket home. Even if I did fly home, I'd still be homeless. I'd just be homeless in my hometown. I'd live somewhere in the town, so I guess I'd literally be living in my hometown. As opposed to living in my homehouse.

So if anybody in Toronto wants to rape me... I mean.. if you have a spare couch and you're pretty cool and you have a very strong desire to molest me while I sleep.. Ugh. sorry. What I'm really trying to ask is.. and seriously.. If anybody has a spare place for a few days and they wouldn't mind if I came over and hung out and got tied down in your basement while you perform Dutch art of bondage on me, now's your chance.

Er.. no honestly. I'm just stranded in Toronto and I really need to be sexually violated. Please? I mean, c'mon. What does it take to be taken advantage of in this god damn city? How come no matter how many times I sleep naked in somebody's living room, I've never been robbed or killed once. Nobody's even tried to drug me and have a hayday. Canadians are fucking pussies. All I want is for somebody to pretend to be a decent human being and let me stay the night on their couch, and then feed me some of their home-brewed vodka that's in an eye-dropper. Then I wake up on cold concrete in a dark, stinky, cummy, bloody mess of vomit and possibly small animals. No rats. Fuck rats. Who the hell would use rats? You sick fuck. Cats, preferrably. There's nothing like waking up from a brutal raping to soggy cat fur grazing my face. Oh, and please don't use rubber. My skin develops rashes. I prefer leather. Thanks.

Last updated April 28th, 2006