Stop driving like a maniac. Nobody is impressed.

There's two kinds of bad drivers - the fearless, and the spacy. Fearless drivers are usually guys, and spacies are always girls. This makes avoiding spacy drivers easy - don't ever let anything with a vagina ever drive anything. Men, on the other hand, you never know.

Too many guys think they're good drivers because they drive like lunatics. They take corners too fast, tailgate for no reason, accelerate all over the place, and do every other "daring" stunt that drivers can make. When I say, "Dude, slow the hell down." They reply, "Haha, are you scared, man?" And they laugh, "Naw man, don't be scared, I'm a good driver."

No. Shut up. You're not a "good driver." You have no idea what you're doing. Just chill the hell out. We're not in a rush. Nobody cares how quickly you can change lanes or cut into tight spaces.

Every dickhead dickless moron who gets into a car thinks he's a NASCAR racer. There is probably a skill to being a good driver. But I guarantee it's beyond cramming your foot into the pedal. Nobody is impressed that you can floor the gas. It's really not that hard to do.

The "floor the gas" trick is a pretty easy one to pull off. Another trick that's equal in difficulty is called "Oops, I made one simple little error and killed my four best friends." It looks something like this:

The most common thing people tell me when I call them a bad driver is, "I'm a good driver, I've never been in a wreck!" It doesn't matter if you've never caused an accident. Dying in an car wreck is not a chronic, progressive disease. It's not like 5 wrecks give you a headache and 20 wrecks kills you. It only takes one accident to kill everyone in the car. So what if you've been driving for 2 years or 10 years, if you drive like a shithead, the wreck is coming. I really just is - not- worth - it.

Does being a safe driver make a person a pussy? Is obeying traffic laws, using blinkers, and driving the speed limit turn guys into cowards? I don't know. Perhaps it does. But it doesn't really matter because the only people who judge others by their cautious driving habits are going to die soon anyway.

And why in gods name do people tailgate? Tailgating is the worst. It doesn't get you places sooner. Riding against the guy's bumper won't make him go faster. It'll most likely piss them off, and make them drive slower to spite you. I know I do. If someone tailgates me, I move to take up both lanes, and I drop down to 5mph. Then when they go around me, I pull over and fuck their girlfriend out of spite. Even if she's fat and ugly.

Use your god damn blinker. It's not badass to never let other drives know where you're aiming your giant flailing hunk of steal. It's a twitch of your finger, you lazy pricks. Get over your hotrod attitude and use your god damn blinker. It's not a big deal. Maybe 99% of the time it's not necessary. Or maybe you're driving alone in the middle of nowhere at 4am. Who cares? It's moving one little muscle a centimeter. You put more effort into scratching your balls in one night than using your blinker for ten years. Fucking blink it up fuckers.

Stop driving like a little ADHD bratnose kid drives a bumpercar. If you seek adrenaline rushes from going fast, fine. Fine. That's great, get your fix. Just don't do it near me. Go skydive or jump off cliffs or whatever will only kill you if you fuck up. Stop putting my life in danger. Roads are for getting places, not as a resource for you to get cheap thrills or impress people who already stubbornly hate you because you put their life in danger for the sake of making them think you're a "badass." You shitheads know who you are. Go to hell.

Last updated August 3rd, 2004