Ashlee Simpson lip syncs! Is that really news? What'd you expect? Ashlee Simpson to.. not... lip sync?

Anyway, on to more pressing issues.

All your life, you've been taught to pour cereal in first, then milk. Starting from age 0, your parents, teachers, grandparents, that creepy guy that comes over while you're dad is at work, they've all made sure that the cereal is added first. Example:

How to make cereal the traditional way:

1. Add cereal
2. Add milk
3. Don't add chopped liver*

Now let's think outside the box.

How to make cereal the non-traditional way:

1. Add milk
2. Add cereal
3. Don't add chopped liver*

*Step three is crucial in both cases because if you accidentally add chopped liver, it might not taste good-like.

The powers that be want you to put in cereal first and milk second. Why? Here's my theory:

Traditionally, men come first and women come second. However, women want everything. Say women started a conspiracy to subliminally convince the public that women should come first. Out of milk and cereal, which are more similar to each sex? Cereals represent women because they're flakey and make noise when you eat them. Milk represents man because it starts with an M and its sole purpose in life is to fill the holes in cereal. I don't actually know where I'm going with this. I just decided to waste thirty seconds of your life. Loser! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OMFG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR MY BOOBIE TRAP. HAHAHA BOOBIE! Get it? Boobie trap.. milk.. boobie.. That's ridiculous.

Have you ever eaten cereal and poured the milk in first? It's freaking weird feeling, like a short little buzz of reality-questioning confusion. Sometimes when I'm really bored, I dump milk in a bowl, then cereal, then pour it down the sink. Over and over again. Soon, crazy things start happening all around me. It's like I warp through space-time into a new dimension where milk reigns all-mighty power. The natural progression of linear time falls apart at my fingertips. I use conditioner before shampoo, I see stoplights go red-yellow-green, I put on shoes before socks, I jizz before I masturbate. It's insane. I guess the Milkbowl Paradigm just proves that time really doesn't exist.

When you try it, make sure your parents aren't around. They hate it when you go against their teachings. If any figure of authority catches you putting milk in a bowl before cereal, they will spread fruit salad all over your armpits and disect your spleen kidney. I am out of control. Bye.

Last updated October 26th, 2004