How to survive the apocalypse.

Anticipating the end of the world causes a lot of anxiety and overwhelms us with the fear of dying. Before working on post-apocalyptic survival, we must remember that once the world dooms itself and we're all in hell, we really won't be missing much. When the world goes to shit, so does everything on it. This includes weed plantations, ISPs, and probably a large percentage of the hot chicks. When Armageddon happens, pretty much the only things left alive will be cockroaches and telemarketers.

Those annoying little insects will never die, I swear to god. Whenever I see one, I stomp it with my foot. Regardless, they always scurry away and move on to annoy other people - disturbing everything and ruining everybody's appetite. Seriously, they really piss me off, and so do cockroaches.

If you're still not convinced to go down with your ship, I know a few secrets that will help you survive. First try killing yourself over and over until you become reincarnated as a cockroach. Once that happens, you can run around grossing children out until the atmosphere turns into nuclear radiation. Then you'll watch the skin melt off your friend's faces before the sky turns black.

If reincarnation seems risky, there is still a backup plan: apply for a telemarketing job because phone salesman will never freaking die. No matter how many telemarketing agencies get bombed each year, their species still manages to thrive like knapweed. I believe it is because the incredible tenacity they learn from their work overlaps onto their instinct of survival.

The only people more annoying than telemarketers are the ones who buy into that kind of bullshit. I'd like to see a guy who actually does business over a phone. The salesman would call the guy up and I'd hear him in the other room say, "Hello... Yeah... How are you?... Ohh... really?" After the dog didn't respond to the guy, he would pick up the phone and answer it. Crazy, psycho maggots. I hate insane people.

Here's the deal, if you really want to guarantee your survival of the apocalypse, become a telemarketing cockroach.

Let's say thousands of nukes are detonated, meteors crash everywhere, and you're left with a bunch of dead friends and an atmosphere full of radiation, it might get boring. There are still some fun things you can kill time with:

1. Sell subscriptions for Roach Weekly.
2. Make tons of cash as a Raid salesman.
3. Eat dead people.
4. To get high, you can dig up Cheech and Chong then smoke their ashes.

Make up your mind soon because the end of the world is going to happen any time now. Personally, I'm planning on riding this radiation-sensitive body out and going down with everyone else. If you wanna stick around, I'm not going to stop you. Happy Armageddon.

Last updated January 25th, 2004