Alexa is a website ranking system. It takes all the data gathered from people who have the Alexa toolbar and makes a list of the top 5,000,000+ most visited sites.

The Second Best Page in the Universe is currently lingering around 80,000th (click here for details). I am not satisfied with this score. Alexa is far too abusable for me to just sit around knowing that 79,999 websites are better than mine. Here is what you need to do to fuel my ego:

1. Go to alexa.com and download the alexa toolbar. It is spyware/adware free, guaranteed.

You get a little bar on top of your browser that shows the current site's ranking, site info, and some recommended webpages. It's pretty handy. The toolbar is easy to enable and disable. It also has a popup blocker if you aren't already equipped.

2. Whenever you're at your computer, load my site and refresh a bunch of pages while the Alexa toolbar is enabled. You don't even have to read them, just click, back, click back, etc. Don't go too crazy, just 5 or 10 or 3000 times.

3. When you're finished washing your hair and you have that excess shampoo on your hands, wash your pubes with it. It might do good, it might not, but you're just going to waste the leftovers anyway so why not? C'mon.

4. Smile. People need to smile more.

5. Vote for John Kerry. This is crucial because Bush is a pulsating shitfunnel.

6. Watch as my alexa ranking skyrockets over the next few months. It will create tons of angry people, which is exactly the sort of thing we want. Cheating rules. I cheat at everything any chance I can get. Especially in Monopoly and relationships. I'll do anything to make me feel better than everyone.

Last updated September 18th, 2004